I Am Not Going to Think About It..

...Little Man's back of his hand is swollen and so his the part of his arm above his wrist.
Possiblities: Good, just regular ole swelling due to an IV being in there and then them trying to put another one in on the same arm.
Bad: Why would it be swollen? The IV didn't infilrate and the worst possiblity is Cellulitis, again. It would mean ANOTHER hospital stay, IV antibotics.
It isn't red, so I am not going to do anything at all tonight and I will deal with it in the morning.
...Little Man has not had a proper bowel movement in oh, say a week??? Which the doctor, the one who looked like a High School Debate Club president, reassured me that even with Little Man's long history of low motility and chronic constipation leading to hospital clean outs, was nothing to worry about.
Bad: just dealing with it. Little Man is having problems, crying, saying he can't go. What the heck am I supposed to do about that?
Good: He hasn't had his anti stop up medicine in days, (since that would have required swallowing) so after he has his meds for a day or so, he will be fine.
...Little Man has just completed day number 8 of no formula.
Bad: if he quits drinking it, we are SOL. (Soooo out of luck). We are talking tubes here people.
Good: He has been really out of his routine, which is a big deal for people with autism. So after getting back into his regular routine, he will go back to drinking his formula that costs as much as oil in the shower, like always.
Anyway, I am going to get a good nights sleep tonight and save any worrying for tomorrow.

Going Home

Yay! We are heading home. Good thing. Two nights in a row of only about 6 hours of sleep and I am grumpy and impatient today. All I want is to take a nap. Little Man continues to improve. He is certainly not back to himself yet, his movements are very stiff and he is in slow mo still, just not as bad as it was.
I am annoyed at Bald Man who went home to sleep and then had the nerve to sleep until 10 when I was too tired to even be alive. He had better take over Little Man's care today or I will be royally furious.
Not such a great day today, I am really too tired to be sensible or nice. Sorry.

Celebrating!

Much improvement with Little Man. My heart is singing with joy and relief. He is not back to his usual self, but he is swallowing today! Root Beer, Gatorade, and he ate ice cream! Geez, they were talking NG tube, Liza knows all about that one, huh hon? But it is looking really promising that we will go home tomorrow with or without an NG tube if needed. If he continues the way he is going with drinking though, there will be no NG tube and just home.
He woke up this morning, shaky but able to talk, not like yesterday when there was no one behind his eyes. His eeg was abnormal, but only his usual abnormal, not constant seizurey abnormal. So a GOOD abnormal! My boy is returning to his body and we are all breathing a sigh of relief. wheewww.
Bald Man is here with me today and it is nice to have some help. In fact, Bald Man is in the playroom playing game cube with the little monster whilst I check in with my bloggity peeps.
Little Man's movements are stiff, shaky and slooooowwww. Like someone slowed him waaaayyyy down. He talks slow, moves slow. But he is talking and moving! Not doing so good with swallowing solid stuff, but he is not an eater anyway, and as long as he can drink his formula, who cares for now? Not that he has, drank his formula, that is. Today is day number 7 with none, he has lost a fair amount of weight, but he had a few extra pounds anyway.
I feel like telling the nutritionist who gave us a bad time about those few pounds, nanny, nanny boo boo! This is EXACTLY why we wanted those pounds on him. It gives us breathing space. And anyone who has ever had their child be life threatening thin is grateful for some wiggle room.
So my Bloggiest cream puffs, things are looking up here at Children's Hospital R Us. And the current plan is forbearing any backwards slippage with Little Man's recovery, we will be going home tomorrow. Thank you for your prayers, *good thoughts*, kind wishes and everything. You are a ray of sunshine on a stormy day.

Improving?

Overall, yes I would say he is improving. He scared me today, when I arrived and he was not responding and being very, very agitated. But some meds, (I personally think we are having some serious seizure issues here!) and he is doing much better. He is walking now, very unsteady, but enjoying the jaunts up and down the hall with a grin on his face. He is A LOT of work today, no sitting quietly by his bed and reading or anything for mom. Eating lunch was a joke, but he is doing better. He was able to enjoy his beloved video games, and it was sweet to see his smiles. He is putting more words together and intiating conversations. All good things.
I did ask the doctor what Bald Man and I are in fear of. "Is this permanant?" She says no, not if it is caused by the Thorazine. Whew. But then... she said, if this is his seizures, then I can't say. I can't bear to think of losing my boy like this. Not in body, but in mind and spirit. So I WON'T think about it. Not now. I will face it if it comes. The evil of this day is sufficient unto its' self, thanks.
They did an EEG, we don't have the results yet.
Bald Man is here, to give me a break. Of course my first thought is of you, my Bloggy Darling Dearests, but after this? This mom is going shopping, and out to dinner. Mental Health Break, whoo hooo!

Tag, He's It

Tag, Bald Man is IT! By it, I mean he can sneak a few minutes in here and there and try to sleep at the hospital with Little Man. And me? Me? I am going to sleep all night my Bloggy Friends, in my own bed, minus one snoring Bald Man.
And, since pictures are worth a thousand words, I will let them tell the story.

Little Man yesterday:

And I mean ALL day. Asleep, almost non responsive.


Look at those eyelashes! They are to die for. I figured I might as well enjoy my little sleeping beauty.

Little Man for the first half of today:


And finally, progress!

There ya go, one of the most precious smiles on the planet. His eyes might be at half mast, but still! He is looking better. I can see a glimpse of my boy here andthere. By the end of the evening he was more responsive, and could point to something he wanted and has said about 5 words. He can bear weight on his legs for a short time and even took a step. He is smiling and laughing sometimes, (mostly when he wipes his excessive drool on me!) He took a few sips of gatorade, so his swallowing is much improved. He is still not at 100%, but he is improving.
They did more tests today, to make sure they are not missing anything. We saw LOTS of doctors, well, they say they are doctors, but mostly they look like the High School student body officers. One of the doctors said Little Man is very fragile right now and that they are worried about him. UM, NOT words a parent wants to hear. He is in the right place, being monitored closely.
And our family? Tolerating it far too well. By that I mean it has become the norm for Little Man to spend time in the hospital. We are on the neuro floor, 3rd time for that floor. Sad, I keep turning the wrong way because we were at the other end of the hallway last time. It is really sad what human beings can become immune to. My kid being in the hospital used to be sooo traumatic. Don't get me wrong, I am worried sick about him, but the being in the hospital its self is routine. I am used to how the whole thing works, and very, very sadly, so is my son. This is the life of the chronically ill.
Thanks for peeking in, the doctor said today not to expect to go home for a few more days. Sigh.

A Smidgen of Improvement

We got more sleep than I thought we would last night. I am who is this kid in this bed and what have they done with my son? The kid laying there limply is NOT my child. Good news, he can swallow again, with difficulty, but still! Ya gotta take the good news where you can. They are going to hold off on the MRI for now, they found one from 3 years ago and unless he doesn't improve at all, they are just going to wait it out.
Do you know how much I love you? I came and updated BEFORE I ate breakfast. I did put my bra on before the docs came in, for fear that the sight of boobs hanging to a ladies knees would scare them to death. Or what would be more likely is that instead of paying attention to my son, they would be stealing sneaky glances at me, wondering, Oh my gosh, are those really that ladie's boobs? Naw, there is no way those lumps by her knees are breasts, is there??? And then the group would leave and discuss it in hushed tones in the hallway.
Oh and by the way?? When the heck did they start a doctor's program in high school? So that just graduated seniors are parading down the hallways and pretending to be grown ups? Is this a reality show, where they are waiting for me to say, hey, could you get someone who wasn't born less than 2 decades ago in my son's room? YOUNG, very YOUNG.
Or maybe I am just old, very old...sigh.
Thanks for the comments, prayers and good thoughts. They mean the world.
Jo

Little Man Update

Uh yeah. Long day. Ct scan, lumbar puncture, many labs run. So far every HORRIBLE thing they are looking for is not present. Praise God for those blessings. I guess for me it seems so clear cut. Um thorazine overdose. For the docs though, not so clear cut. This is child who can not walk anymore, can not talk anymore, can not swallow, something is WRONG. Never even occurred to me it could be awful, horrible things, stroke, menegititis, etc. We are in for the duration. MRI planned for tomorrow to check for a Chairi Malformation. Not a good thing either, and a possiblity with his genetic syndrome. Because of his VNS, he has a magnet in his chest, so they have to use a special scanner, etc.
Tonight, it is past 10, and the tech said I could take a mental health break, so I come upstairs to check in with you guys.
Little Man is still not able to walk, swallow, talk and gets agitated easily. Because he is chronically in the hospital, Bald Man and I have the routine worked out, we tag team it. So tomorrow, early if I don't get enough sleep tonight, or later if I do, Bald Man will come up and tomorrow night, if we are still here, I will sleep in my own bed.
Sucks people, it really does. Prayers please. Thanks for thinking of us. And for lurkers delurking! That was a delightful surprise, I really thought no one except my three constants was still reading.

We Are Going In

I can not find words to express my horror at Little Man's condition this morning. He is unable to take any of his medications, (He is on three anti-seizure meds) I thought I would look up difficulty swallowing and was lead to a multitude of sites saying it is a symptom of Thorazine overdose! I am so upset, I just took him to the psych's office yesterday, they saw him, I TOLD them he was having troubles swallowing. This missed this. So in a minute, after a very quick post, breakfast and shower on my part, we are off to the ER. He is not having any trouble breathing or anything like that, so I don't think it is a life or death 911 call, or you would not be reading this. But definitely something needs to be looked at. I will take a packed hospital bag in case we end up staying for a couple of days. My poor boy. Bald Man and I are worried sick. There are puters there, so if we end up staying, I will still post as soon as possible. Prayers, *Good thoughts* would be deeply appreciated.

Mega Whine fest

We had three good days. Days where Little Man slept at night and days where he wasn't violent during the day. I don't think anyone is reading my blog anymore and I hardly blame anyone, this is all too depressing and awful.
The seizures started and got BAD on Sunday and are so horrific. Today, Little Man is doing TERRIBLE! He is so out of it, drooling, can't hardly walk, can't sit up straight. He is like a drunk person, stumbling, falling. Seizing at school. We keep giving him more meds to try to help with the seizures. And yesterday? I called the psych's office and told them. You know what they said? Call his neurologist! Arrgggh. Well I called the neuro yesterday and today and still have not received a return call. We are cutting down on the Thorazine, it is robbing me of my child, and trying something else to help him sleep. Rozeram if anyone cares. Which I don't blame you if you don't. I wouldn't either, except it is my life and I don't get a choice.
He isn't eating anymore, he has lost 3 lbs in the last week. He won't drink his formula. He is having trouble swallowing and has begun throwing up his medicine.
And my husband? We are both on ultra stress level but he is driving me crazy! He is way too impatient with Little Man which is frustrating me. He is isn't listening to me and that is making me mad. We are both snapping at each other. But because Bald Man isn't doing well with this, it is leaving me with more and more care of Little Man, this is when I need more help, not LESS! It is left to me to get this boy's medicine in him, Bald Man does a botch up job on it, everytime, and Little Man ends up puking it up because his dad can't be patient enough. It is bad here, really bad. I am not happy, low tolerance for anything myself because I am soooo stressed. My crazy kid is driving me crazy.

The Weekend, Um.. Yeah....

Oh I hate that I always seem to be whining! Things are better and things are worse, and I don't have a way for the two things to balance each other out, because they are so different.
The good stuff! Little Man is sleeping much better.
Little Man is much, much calmer. We were able to go out to dinner with him, (and all the sibs) and he was SOOOO good.
No more hours long melt downs. I haven't gotten hit, scratched, bit or spit on in days! Nor have I had to restrain him for his and my own safety.
He started school on thurs and the bus actually came and got him today and will bring him home. So far, so good. He is adjusting much better than we expected.
The bad:
Seizures, lots of seizures. At night, in the day. Not the grand mal, dropping on the ground kind, but alot of twitching, jerking, out of it in the day. At night? Oh they are awful, stiffening, jerking, dang close to grand mal at night. Awful, horrible.
I am so very grateful that he is doing better in some ways, but how can I rejoice when I am worried sick? Have a call in the NP. Am anxiously awaiting the return call.

Taa Daa!

Do you know how much I love and appreciate you? Here is the proof. Little Man has gone to his first day of school, (gratuitous inserting of picture here)*

and instead of taking a shower or eating breakfast, (IHOP here I come!)I am sitting down to show you we are still alive and hmmm... not exactly well, but surviving anyway. The bus is still not figured out, but I guess my mini temper tantrum worked the other day, because the school got their act together quickly. Bald Man will take and I shall pick up. And inbetween? Oh my, the delicious sensation of hours stretch before me! What shall I do? Needle felt? Shop? Nap??? Read? Already updated the blog, so I can check that one off the list... I am not ready to decide yet, the incredible freedom of being able to choose unhindered by other obligations is just too, too delightful!
Little Man did not fall asleep until 11 last night. Not good, but not horrible either. Praying it goes a bit better tonight, but he did sleep until 10:30 yesterday, so maybe he wasn't tired? Ha, that is a dumb comment on my part, this is the child who has gone as long as 36 hours with no sleep, what in the world am I talking about? Who knows? God is the only one who knows, since the mystery of Little Man has yet to be penetrated by any puny human brain!
He was upset about going to school, but it wasn't major. Now he is off, with a new outfit, new backpack and new shoes he refused to wear so he is in his sandals that are falling apart.
*The truth behind the picture: He was not happy and was have a minor whinefest, "I don't want to go to school..whine, whine" But I said the magic word!...... Are you ready for this?......... FART! Instant smile. Hey, a moms gotta do, what a moms gotta do, to get at least the facade of a happy first day of school picture. But now you know... the rest of the story!

He Slept!

Little Man slept, Bald Man slept and your bloggy friend, Jo, slept too. We were the sleeping house last night. The Thorizine knocked Little Man's socks off and he was asleep within the hour after taking it. The falling asleep part was hard, being an anti psychotic it lowers the seizure threshold, so two Ativan later, Little Man had stopped seizing and was tucking into bed. I joined him for a good part of the night, he was a bit out of it and kept trying to get out of bed. But with me there, he just snuggled up and he and I enjoyed a VERY restful night. I woke up before he did and now he has joined Bald Man and they are both sawing logs. My tired boys. So today we breathe and see if it works again tonight. If it does, we have bought us some much needed time and an ability to readjust Little Man's meds to work better for him.
Little Man and I are going to be going to his new school today and visiting his new classroom. Depending on the paperwork status, he should be starting soon. I had to get really mad yesterday to make it happen, they were saying in a week or two! Pish Posh, how ridiculous to deny my child his schooling for their convenience!
Thank you for everything you have said. Each comment a treasure, and a comfort. Your words of wisdom, even while they bring tears to my eyes, are a balm to my hurting heart.
We shall see how this week plays out. Today though, today I am starting my day with a good nights sleep and today, the sun is shining, outside and in. Thank you.

Balanced on a Knife Edge

I wish I could say things were better. They are not. Our son's psychiatrist apologized for the mix up over the long weekend. The on call nurse is the one at fault for not getting us to the on call doctor. She apologized too, but that doesn't help.
Little Man only slept 3 hours again last night and we are quickly reaching the end of our ropes here. The last five nights have meant he has slept about 15 hours total in five days. His behavior during the day continues in multiple melt downs requiring restraint to keep him from hurting us. I have a fat lip from a head butt and he also kicked Oldest Son in the face on Sunday. He pushed our sweet little Pea down too.
The shrink is giving one more really ugly drug a try. It is called thorazine. It is a very old anti psychotic and we are praying it helps him sleep tonight. It has some ugly side effects and I am not happy we are at this point. But it is our last hope. If it doesn't work and he doesn't sleep tonight, they are going to do an an inpatient psych unit admit. It kills me to even have to type those words. Mentally I don't think it will be very good for him, he won't understand, he only functions about about a 3 year old level and he will be very traumatized from it. But medically there is nothing left to do that we can do at home. I know it, but it is still so tough to even be brought this close to having to do this to our boy. Liza asks if life has gotten worse or did I just cover better in the past. No Liza, things are much worse than they used to be. I gotta quit before I start crying, cause I just can't cope with thinking or talking about this anymore. Thank you for the remarks and kind emails. They are a strength to me in this terrible time in our lives.

Our Holiday Weekend

Very nice. Little Man's shrink is unreachable and left no one on call. So this weekend, we are enjoying the Carnival of Insanity, brought to you courtesy of Little Man. There is the Tunnel of Sleeplessness. A fun ride, bumpy and the LONGEST ride you have ever been on in your life, as you wait for dawn to break so you can feel like you survived it. Friday night the child went to sleep at about 9:30, late, but doable. He was up at 12:30 FOR THE NIGHT! While Bald Man mostly handled him, I was awakened about 5 times during the night by their antics.
Then you have the Roller Coaster of Emotion. UP, DOWN, UP, DOWN. I don't what this medication is doing, but so far it is doing no good and a great deal of harm. He is fine, playing with his toys or on the computer. All is well, He is talking happily and seems quite sane. Then, something AWFUL happens. Like the phone rings, or perhaps the air conditioner switches on. I don't know, the triggers are invisible to the rest of us. Then the down part of the roller coaster starts. Speeding up to full tilt screaming and attacking. I can't tell you how many times the last few days I have gotten my hair pulled, bit, scratched etc. There is nothing to do but restrain him while he screams bloody murder about whatever. This morning it was about getting directions. He doesn't even know what he is talking about.
What I wanted to do this weekend: Go on a date with my husband. Nope.
Go to the Great Basin Fiber Arts Fair: So sorry, Charlie, no to that also.
Clean for Brown Boy's arrival: That happened, sort of. On Friday it took me ALL day to clean the two bathrooms. I finally got my shower and lunch at 5.
What I didn't want this weekend: To be depressed and tired beyond expression, YUP, you guessed it, in the Carnival of Insanity, this prize is as easy to get as those stupid goldfish in a regular carnival. Even better, TOMORROW is part of the weekend too. Yay, boo.
Hoping the rest of your weekends don't suck as bad as ours.

Sleep, Perchance to Dream...

Sleep that knits up the ravelled sleave of care
The death of each day's life, sore labour's bath
Balm of hurt minds, great nature's second course,
Chief nourisher in life's feast.
~William Shakespeare, Macbeth

Blessed wonderful night. I needed to sleep last night and I did. Although I fell asleep with worry on my mind, as I lay snuggled against my boy, his body jerking and jumping with small seizures. Bald Man takes the night shift, because he is able to sleep through Little Man's seizures, while I can not. So last night, I slept like the dead and woke up this morning with new vigor. Which is a good thing, because the hours between 7:30 and 11:45 have been fraught with many difficulties. Little Man woke up in a horrid state, screaming, sobbing, hitting, name calling. Agh. All I can say is I was able to be more patient than I would have been without a good night's rest. After his shower I was laying down with him, holding him while he was sobbing that Super Robot Monkey Team Hyper Force Go, his favorite show was not on today. Who is the stupid that changed the morning lineup on the Family channel?? Come here and I would gladly strangle you! But I realized he was seizing, small jumping muscle seizures all over his body. Two Ativan and he was calmer and the seizures had subsided. I can tell when his ADHD meds kick in, about 11:30, because he is finally not pestering me every two seconds. Now I can take my shower, (at 12:30) and maybe get some cleaning done in prep for Brown Boy's arrival this weekend. (Brown Boy, for those newbies is our oldest's, Pygmy Child's boyfriend who hails from Florida.)
Thanks for the good thoughts, prayers, human sacrifice done in our behalf for a good night's sleep, I can't tell you how much I needed it and it happened! Yay. Maybe my Condelezza curse is wearing off?

I am still in my jammies...

... and it is almost 2 in the afternoon. What does that tell you? It tells you that just like it always does, messing with Little Man's meds sends us to hell. Two nights and very little sleep. I just spoke with the psychiatrist and told him this is quickly turning into a serious crisis at the Tangled House. Part of the problem is Bald Man and I have spent far too many years sleep deprived and we just don't have it in us anymore to do the sleepless nights thing.Neither one of us have the reserves to be able to cope physically or mentally with not enough sleep for nights in a row. One night is doable. Two? Uh uh and three? We won't discuss the implications. I have been too tired today and completely useless. The only reason I am able to update now is I just finished a can of Mountain Dew and I am feeling like perhaps I am not the living dead. So we will do some increases (again) tonight and pray this works. At least the doctor said if we get another bad night we are going to pull out some big guns.
The good news? The meds do seem to be helping Little Man's mood and aggression. He is less anxious, which is great and he has been sooo sweet! I am remembering why I like him so very much. I had forgotten, really, in dealing with all the crap day to day. By the way? School started a week and half ago and this kid is still home. I am riding the school district and telling them to hurry up! Gosh darn it all anyway. Do you know what a big difference it would make to miss a night's sleep and them hustle him off on the bus and drop back into bed instead of doing the intensive kind of care he takes in the mornings? ARGH! I am sure it must be Condelezza's fault since this has all happened since we roasted in the car waiting for her gas guzzling motorcade to go by.
Don't let anyone fool you. Caring for a disabled child 24/7 is alot of work, not much fun and right now, not particularly rewarding. We love him, don't get me wrong, but boy oh boy, I would kill for not feeling so tired right now. I look around at all the stuff that needs to get done, (Brown Boy will be here this weekend) but I am just too tired to do anything.
This is just the largest thing we have looming in the household right now. We are also battling Little Man's insurance (again!) for his very expensive formula that he has to have to live. I spent, no kidding, 5 hours on the phone yesterday. That is a story for another day though. Pray for sleep peeps!

Condoleezza Rice Did It!

Check your seat belts, it is going to an another whiny post. Let us start at the beginning. Our air conditioning in the van is broken this year and I just can't find the 300$ it will cost to fix it. The weather has been cooling off a bit and this has taken the edge of desperation off fixing it. Little Man had an appointment with his new psychiatrist which is a one hour drive each way. We, (Bald Man and I) are both feeling a bit like switching up his meds has become a crisis that needs to be handled.
I had recently bought a new Sony Cybershot digital camera that worked for all of about 2 days. So while I was in the Big City I stopped by the closest store that had it in stock. It did mean leaving an hour even earlier and dragging Little Man with me to the store, but I thought we could handle it. We had a minimal amount of acting out in the store so that was good. And I was pleased to have a decent camera again.
On the way to the doctor's office, from the store, I thought, oh good, I am making good time, I should be there about 10 minutes early. HA! I spoke too soon, or perhaps the Hell's demons who have been assigned to me recently to assist in my descent into a fiery pit of doom, gloom, bad luck and rotten life happenings over heard my pleased statement. What ever. I am sitting at a light when a FLOCK, or would it be gaggle? pod? swarm? of motorcyle police guys came roaring down the street I needed to cross. They stopped all the traffic. Now mind you, the heat is bearable in the car when you are driving, but sit still and you will begin to roast. I am starting to have sweat form beads and ramble unhurriedly down my neck and back when a LARGE motorcade of SUVs zoom past. Do you know who almost made me late for my son's doctor's appointment? It was Condoleezza Rice! And get this delicious irony, SUVs! Gas guzzling hogs idling outside while Rice tells the veterans, "we need to stay the course." I just love the fact her pompous self got in the way of my very important day, of course what ever important thing she is doing, she doesn't give a thought to the suffering people just outside her windows. Darn her and Bush too. I just just mail Little Man to them and let them suffer some reality!
So the doc messed with Little Man's meds. It is 10:30 here and Little Man is showing NO signs of falling asleep. He is, however, showing signs of a death wish. That little monster got into my jewelry box and took out some of the only important jewelry I like or wish to keep. And this is the capper. HE PUT WATER ON MY NEW CAMERA! It is currently in a huff,and isn't speaking to me, I guess its' electronic guts do not appreciate being soaked. I didn't even own it for 12 hours. I am so very angry with him. So Bald Man is laying down with him right now. Not because the Little Booger is ready to fall asleep, it is just so I won't kill him. ARRGH!
The only good part about today was that the shrink was a nice guy. He seems sane, (unusual in a shrink we've noticed!), unassuming, not too pushy, willing to listen and wants to partner with the parents. Pretty pitiful when the highlight of my day is meeting my son's new shrink and not hating him.
I blame Condeleezza Rice for the ruination of my new camera. Kind of like a black cat crossing your path, she crossed mine and now my day is in the toilet. Darn her all to heck anyways. Grumble, grr, grumble, mumble......
There is going to be an anti Bush rally in Salt Lake City in two days. I wish Little Man had started school so I could go. I would tell them what they could do with their SUV's!

What Do You Get When You Cross Ray With Tim?

I need to do another post because of Caer.
My last post (below) is depressing and whiny. Caer did some links to me, so I, in case I have some new visitors drop in, did as any good hostess does. I threw all the mess under the bed and jammed the rest in the closet while spraying Oust at the same time. NO NO! I tidied up my blog a bit and I feel the need to have it look a bit cheery and welcoming. If my first read was the last post I wrote, I would NEVER come back, so here goes!
First off, the Rattie Hatties I made are not knitted. To clear up any confusion, I can not knit, I can not crochet. I have been known to sew a bit, but that is all. Well at least until
needle felting came into my life. Such a lovely crafty thing and it makes me feel so creative. Here is one of the latest things I learned to make:

five way thread jointed no less! Go Jo!
The Rattie Hatties were fun to make and I enjoyed sharing them.
So on to the title of my post. What do you get when you cross Ray Barone with Tim the Tool Man Taylor? You get Bald Man, my husband. Do you need proof? That is coming.
Now Bald Man and I have been married 26 years this month, a feat to be sure. But sometimes I wonder if he has learned anything about women in those 26 years. A couple of months ago I had to surrender to the reality of my advancing years and switch to bi focals. It is really terrible not to be able to see close or far and at some point, your arms are just not long enough and/or you just don't have the time to bring things near and far to your face until they are in focus. Do you want to know what my dear sweet husband had to say about my bifocals?
"Wow, with your gray hair and bifocals, you really look like a grandma now!" I almost slugged him! And honestly, he was so surprised that I was angry and hurt about the comment. Men! Hmpppfff! That was his Ray Barone moment. But what he didn't know, was Karma was heading his way. Bald Man is a handy man kinda dude and he was wrestling with a door frame while he was on some steps above it. Guess who won? The door frame. Guess who lost? Bald Man's nose! And here is the proof:

My husband, Ray Taylor, or Tim Barone as you wish.
And lest you should think I am making fun of him behind his back, after he did it, he asked me if I was going to blog about it and I replied I would like to, so he gave me permission. Probably so I would let him sleep in the bed again, but it worked.
If you are new, welcome to the always interesting if not fun adventures of Tangled Me. If you are one of my golden oldies, you know I love you more than life its self.

Trapped!

Oh please, someone rescue me! SOS or something. I am sure you are sick of me whining, but I am not done. Little Man is still not in school, summer program or anything. So I am trapped in the apartment with him. I love my boy, I really do, with all my heart. But being developmentally delayed means he just isn't growing up very fast. So I have a very small child in a larger kid's body. He is very unstable mentally right now and I am anxiously awaiting his appt with the psych on the 29th. At this point, the ONLY thing I can do with him is go to the movies. It is hell getting there and getting home, but he is good while the movie is playing. Otherwise, NOTHING, nada. I can't go anywhere with him. Not the store, not to the park, anywhere. Everything makes him melt down. He is hitting me all the time now, scratching, and UGLY verbally. He is dangerous around other people because he is pushing and hitting anyone within his reach. I am sick of being here in the apartment with him, but I don't dare take him anywhere. And he is just so demanding. He has the attention span of a gnat and moves from the computer to a movie in his room and cable TV. It means he and I fight over the computer because he screams at me if he sees me on it, mostly it isn't worth it. I am just so frustrated and quite blue with cabin fever. And honestly, I am tired of my boy. Tired of his demands, tired of taking care of him, tired of fighting him on every issue, like going potty, or not hitting the keyboard or throwing toys. Today he is deliberately running into the walls, not sure what that is about, but it is noisy! So there ya go. My whiny self. Tired and blue, that's me. yay. When Bald Man gets home, I am sooooo outa here.

Improving

Things are slowly improving. I did forget to add in the chaos of the last couple of days, our microwave which was only 2 years old bit the dust. Isn't it interesting how quickly technology becomes indispensable? I don't cook with the microwave, but for warming up? Oh it is a necessity. Little Man is addicted to hot dogs and microwave popcorn, so he has eaten nothing of note the last few days.
So on to the improvements. Spoke with the nurse at the psychiatrist's office and we have stopped the medication in question. No doubt about it peeps, we had a MUCH better day today. Like night and day difference. We also have an appt next week with the boy's shrink to talk about what we are going to do. So many problems with doing medication tweaking. He has a very unstable seizure disorder, so even messing with drugs that don't seem like they are connected, (like his Lithium) causes his seizures to get worse. The medication we are discussing about adding also can cause seizures. I am always scared when we start messing with things because it is like walking on the edge of a cliff, you never know which small mistep will turn into a disaster. But I am intensely grateful for small gifts, and the gift of today was a blessing. No fights, no social workers showing up at my door. (Speaking of which, when I talked to the Child Protection worker she didn't know what a GAF score was. Which let me know, this worker is NO social worker at all. Sad, really, that social workers get such a bad name from people who are not actually in that field.)
We got a new microwave today. A small blessing, but still, I am grateful! I spoke with the coordinator of his summer program who told me that Little Man's violence at the program this summer has been throughly documented and to not worry about it. Oh and the nurse too, said, tell them to call me, I will talk to them! So sweet, coming to my defense. And I needed it today. So by this evening, I was feeling much less upset and more like "maybe I will survive this after all".
Let me tell you though, in no uncertain terms, I am TIRED of the Trauma-Rama my life has been the last few months. Let me off this ride, or find me the "enough" button so I can push it, or something, because I am NOT enjoying myself.
Oh yeah, did I mention our new school district has NO idea when they are going to be able to "find" a school for Little Man? I don't dare do much with him after yesterday, so I am pretty well stuck at home until he starts school. Which should have been tomorrow, but is not. Hopefully I will sleep better tonight. I want to thank everyone for their kind comments and emails. I really, really needed them and don't downsize the part you have played in helping me feel better. You did and I thank you.

Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad, Day!

What an incredibly horrible day I had folkies! GGGRRRR! Little Man's summer program was done last Thursday. So nothing, friday, sat, sun and now mon! Do you realize what this has meant??? Oh way too much togetherness. Today sucked in a huge way. I about lost my mind with this child's repetitive questions. I had to take him with me to the store and post office to run errands. I thought, oh it couldn't be that bad, could it? Oh stupid me. I needed to mail off Caer's ratty hatties to her, (I finished them yesterday, that was fun!) I would post pictures, except I want her to be surprised when she gets them. I fended off Little Man's grabbing the envelope and trying to write HIS name on it, oh, about 100 times. Then we went to Wal-Mart.
How many times do you think he asked in his anxious, autistic way if someone was going to steal our car? Oh too many to count and enough for me to ask the clerk at Wal-Mart when she asked me if I found everything I needed if they sold guns at that store. Not for him! For me! To put me out of my misery. I decided that we really didn't need a new microwave today, at least not til Bald Man got home, because there is NO WAY I could go to another store with that child!
Plus he needed blood tests today. Oh my good word. What a nightmare that was. He kicked a lady in the face, he bit me, hit, bit and kicked a couple of other people, I think it took six people to hold him down. That was ssoooo bad. He has never been that awful before. He also was a monster trying to get him out of the hospital, he dug his nails into my arm until my arm bled and I was ready to strangle him. Seriously people it was a good thing I was in a public place because I was soooo ANGRY with him. We are trying another medication to help calm him. One that sometimes has the opposite effect on children. I will never give him that drug again. Terrible horrible no good very bad day here. Right now, I am going to dump this kid with his dad, I am going to go buy a new microwave, a new book, take myself out to dinner and NOT come home until he is in bed! Oh and guess what I found out? He will NOT be starting school this week, or maybe not even next week. Oh my gosh, I really really need some help here or someone is NOT going to survive this whole deal.
********* Late Monday Night Update********
You guys are NOT going to believe this. I get home from shopping, (after making sure Little Man was in bed) and found out that someone had turned me into Child Protective Services!!! I want you to know I did NOT hit Little Man today. He was battling me every single step of the way out of the hospital. He was mouthing off, physically being impossible, I literally had to push or pull him every blessed step out to the car. And oh yes, I was angry, very angry! Angry, embarrassed and scared by how he was acting. He has never done anything like this before at a blood draw or been that awful in public before. All I could think, was what am I going to do? How am I going to get through another day like today. Can I do it? And then this was the capper for a really awful day. This day goes down as one of the worst days of my life, honestly. I have been crying for hours. I must say the worker was very nice and understanding, compassionate even. She said, well people saw what they saw going through the hall at the hospital, but none of them have taken on a child like yours, bothered to adopt and care for such a special needs child. And my two cents: Why the heck didn't they offer to help me get him out the car? They can take their judgement and their perfect children who would never act like that and put it... grrrr, somewhere! I am scared, really scared. What are we going to do if we can't take him anywhere anymore? I will call his shrink's office tomorrow, we have got to change things. Please tell me tomorrow will be better!

Today

Today I am not angry, today I am just so sad. Last night I dreamed something, (I don't remember what) and I just sobbed and sobbed in my dream. The tears I can't allow myself today. Perhaps someone out there has some wisdom for me, to help me disengage from my children's choices and yet still love and rejoice in them. I have such a hard time when they do stupid things, things that seem so obvious to Bald Man and I as really bad decisions. They don't see, and I know they have to take their own paths in life, but it is just so hard when you CAN see it is not a great idea and they just won't listen. I find it impossible (so far) to distance myself emotionally in one area and not another of their lives, well particularly with Princess. She has depended on us, especially me, this last year, as a single parent, financially, emotionally, physically. When she was sick, she came home, I put her to bed and took care of the Pea, more than once. When she was upset or struggling, she came to me also. I feel so kicked in the face by her deceit and cruelty with Pinhead, (ha, I have always said he had a small head anyway! So Pinhead he is until he proves himself a man to our family), I feel used for her own ends. When things are tough I always want to run away, and this time is no different. I wish it was November and that we were moving to MO. Thank goodness Little Man has summer camp today, because I really need some space. Good thing I don't have any money or I would spend it! Good thing I have a couple of dollars if I want to see a movie and eat popcorn. Good thing I have you guys, you give me strength.

BEWARE!!!

Children are an awful lot like puppies and kittens, they are sooo dang cute when they are small! I suppose that is one of the reasons why Bald Man and I had so many, we were so enamored of little people. Well my internet peeps, beware, because just like puppies and kittens they grow up and then they are NOT so cute.
We were just informed by Princess that she is marrying the guy she dated in high school whom we all despise! I didn't like him then, don't like him now. I wish there was something good to say about this whole thing, but there just isn't. This boy's father is an abusive so and so, (we know this because oddly enough, JJ's best friend is the youngest son in that family). When these two were in high school, when Princess broke up with him and even before, there were alot of cues that he was or would be abusive. After they broke up, well, that was a wake up call for us. He stalked her, screamed at her, swore at her, it was horrible and we were so glad when he joined the military and left the area for a couple of years.
Egad I really detest being polite to people I despise. I worry about Pea, that this awful man will do something to her one day when his temper runs short with a child that is not his. I am too upset to even think straight right now. I am furious at Princess and just in despair about how stupid my children seem to be. I don't know what in heaven's name I did to deserve all of this. ARRGGHHH!!! I am just beside myself. I am praying and hoping this move to MO goes through, cause I just want far away from the stupid things she is going to do. I predict now, maybe 5 years or so. A couple of kids more and she will be divorced. Stupid, stupid child. It wouldn't be half as bad if Pea wasn't involved. But she is and I am so scared something will happen to her and I am soooo angry at Princess for dragging this sweet baby through this whole stupid thing.
Maybe, maybe, a small corner of my mind and heart wants to be so wrong about this, for him to prove himself not to be the idiot he has been so far... but it is such a small hope, so little and easily crushed.

Torturing Rats

I wonder how many google hits I will get with that post title? I have been so busy my plump little bloggy dumplings. But good busy, not bad busy. First let me thank all of you for being so understanding and on my family's side for basically saying no to a primary calling. I certainly don't feel guilty, but it is nice to know some people actually understand WHY I just can't do it.
I have had out of town company for the last few days, so there has been much scurrying around and happy fibering happening in the Casa Tangled. But it has left me with little time to blog and even little time to do important stuff, like sleep! But I am having fun and Bald Man is being such a sweetie about all the time I have been goofing off.
And now without further ado, let me tell you what I mean by my post title. In my happy fibering, which means needle felting for me, I came up with a clever, clever little thing to needle felt, want to see?? Of course you do!!!!

This is Peter the RAT-BIT!! Ha ha, do you get it?? Rabbit? Rat-bit? No, ah well, sometimes my humor does not translate well. I still think I am clever for making them, and Peter? Well, lets say he tolerates them. I just might have to make some for Caer's rats too!!

I have already sent Cute Overload copies of the pictures. One of my life's goals is to have a picture published on Cute Overload. Maybe this will do the trick???
Talk to all of you soon!

Am I Bad?

I did the big No-No today. But before I tell you what I did, you need to know the background info so you can understand why what I did was such a no-no. Church, (it is sunday after all!) in our Church, it is all volunteer, no one is paid. Families go to church, that means kids too, and with Mormons, it means ALOT of kids. We have three meetings. Sacrament meeting, singing, talks, taking of the Sacrament, (communion) bread and water stuff. Families all attend Sacrament meeting, from newborns to the very old. Sunday school which is divided into classes according to ages for the kids. Children under 12 years old go to primary for the following two hours. Kids older than 12 go to sunday school and then Young Womens or Young Mens, the grown ups go to Sunday School and then Relief Society for the women, and Priesthood for the men. How people get into teaching these classes is they are "called" into them by inspiration, (desperation I think sometimes!) I have been called as a Sunday school teacher for the grownups, I taught that for 5 years, loved it, taught Relief society and in the early years of my marriage I taught primary for about 9 years.
Today after church, Bald Man said someone from the Bishopric wanted to talk to us. Uh oh, calling time! I was hoping for like Ward Newsletter. Nope, they wanted to call me to Primary. Uh, not so hot with Little Man. He has a ton of anxiety about me. He can not see me and not have me. When he sees me, he must be on me, near me, having his hands in my hair. I tried to teach Primary in our last ward, went to hell for the following three weeks. Little Man screamed himself hysterical in the car with Bald Man while I was teaching and then proceeded to fill the rest of our Sabbath Days with melt downs. I gave up. I figure Jesus loves my boy as much as He loves anyone and he never meant for my child to be as miserable as he was.
So today, without saying outright no, I did say that I thought and Bald Man said his piece about how this probably would not be a good thing for our boy. We would be willing to try it, but it would most likely not work with our boy's needs.
Because these callings come from God, saying no is frowned upon, so it was with trepidation we sort of said no, but wanted to make sure we were willing but not able. Our bishopric took it well and withdrew the request quite nicely. And I must say they were most understanding about our boy's needs.
I must say the LAST calling I would want is teaching primary. I have a young man here, who is more work than most newborns, and honestly on Sunday, I just want a break, thanks, but no thanks. Ward Newsletter, God, please???

Of Poop and Pygmies

First, POOP! Oh it is dreaded and a daily worry in our lives. Little Man, with his weird genetic syndrome and low motility gut, struggles with bowel issues on a daily basis. If you didn't already know about the Daily Poop Report (DPR) that goes on in Casa Tangled day by day, well you know now! The consequences of a series of poor DPR's means a call to the GI doc, with a what's next? So after two weeks of poor results, the big clean out begins this weekend! Even more clean out stuff than usual, hoping to avoid a hospitalization with its' attendant really yucky procedures to unstop a stopped up gut. Actually, it is going rather well, so Mama and Papa Tangled might just get to breathe a sigh of relief by Sunday.
Second, and even more important. Today is Pygmy Child's birthday! She is twenty-five. And as if to prove to us, that she is grown up and slipping away from us day by day, she is in Florida with Brown Boy for the next few days! But the treat for you and balm for my heart will be a short presentation of Pygmy Child through the years. She was in a hurry to get here, I guess she didn't want to miss Princess Diana's wedding, even though she wasn't due for another month. A tiny bit, just 6 lbs. After a short stay in the NICU, she went on to thrive.

She didn't exactly grow as we expected, but we wouldn't know why she was so tiny for a long time. Here she is with her best friend who she has known since she was 6 weeks old. Their friendship has thrived through the years and they continue to visit with each whenever the opportunity affords itself.

Here is our Little Bean at about the age of four. She has always had the sunniest personality and I am so grateful for the gift of her happy smiles.

Living in California until she was 12 afforded our sweet Pygmy with the chance to spend lots of time at the ocean. She has always loved it and here is a delightful snapshot of her unbounded joy in her beloved ocean.
Pygmy Child was 16 when Little Man came into our lives. She has been his second mother and the love the two of them share is precious. Here they are, Pygmy holding Little Man on the day our LDS adoption (called a sealing) took place.

Because of her special relationship with her youngest brother, even her senior portrait could not be complete without him.
And finally, even though it will be hard to adjust to having our sweet Pygmy live so far away as she moves to Florida in December, I am mindful that Bald Man and I must not have ruined her too much, as she finds her wings and flies away, just as we always dreamed.

Happy Birthday Pygmy Child, I remember the day I first saw you like it was yesterday. Somehow the years have flown and you have grown,(somewhat) and now you are unfolding into such an amazing person. Your compassion, your willingness to help others, your wit and your love, amaze me and delight me. I am grateful for the day God decided to gift you to us. Blessings on you this day and for the rest of this year as you fly darling.

Falling in Love

Romance is an amazing thing. The tender newness of the relationship. You meet, both of you so hesitant, so worried that the other won't like you, much less love you. But the other! The incredible beauty of their eyes when your eyes finally meet, the quick intake of breath as you realize there is something there, something utterly unexplainable and ethereal and yet so real it is tangible. The exclusion, as your mouths touch, the tender feeling of hesitant exploration. The soft touching, so sweet, so slow. The whispers, to and from, float in murmurs hushed across the small space separating you. The two of you own the world. In this room there is nothing and no one but the two of you. You realize with an otherworldly sense that you know so much more about the other already than you thought possible. The people who watch these two lovers gaze adoringly at each other to the exclusion of all else realize they are watching the birth of something precious and new. Love, amazing, delicious, uncertain, tender, and sweet. Meet my new love.

Her name is Gilly, she is a citron crested Cockatoo. She also belongs to a friend of mine. While I have always admired large birds, they are kind of scary with those big beaks that could crush your finger in a heartbeat. Gilly is new to my friend who took her as a rescue bird, sort of. Gilly's broken heart shows in her actions as she tries to keep others at a claw's length from her heart. But me? She loved me from the moment she saw me. Once she climbed on my shoulder, started whispering in my ear and kissing me, I realized while she might nip me with that mighty beak, she would never actually hurt me. A new love. sigh, I am head over heels and I think she is wonderful.

Yesterday when I left my friend's home, I could hear my beloved friend in the house, screeching her disappointment at my departure. I can't wait to go see her again. My friend and Gilly that is!

The Mormon Thing

This has been a Churchy kind of weekend and since I have been informed that 2/3 of my readership has never even known a Mormon before, I feel like I need to make sure I keep you up to date on that aspect of the Tangled House. (2/3, 2 out of the 3 that read!)
First off, Sunday. Well, actually that goes back to Wednesday when I returned home from my unplanned but intensely fun trip to Calif. Bald Man tells me one of our local leadership had called and wanted us to speak in church on Sunday. It is common when you have new folks move in to have them speak. The Ward, which is the smallest local unit usually consists of a few hundred peeps. Wards are geographically plotted, with the local congregation attending the ward they live in. The ward is run by a Bishop and a Relief Society President. Male and female respectively, with helpers of all kinds. Many wards make up a stake, bunch of stakes make up an Area. If you wish to locate your local ward, it is just a click away:
Meeting house locator for the US
We were asked to speak on faith. I feel impressed to use an experience our Little Man had about 3 years ago. We were attending the ward of my nephew and Parker spotted a young man in front who had brown hair down to his shoulders, curling at the ends, and full facial hair. Little Man, who was standing on the pew next to me, pointed and said, "Jesus! Mommy, it's Jesus!" This was said loudly during the meeting and I had to restrain my son from running up to this young man. What a sweet message of faith! It touched my soul deeply on many different levels. One, that my son KNEW Jesus was real and his first response was to run to Him. Run and KNOW that Jesus wanted nothing more than to scoop up my boy. Tender feelings of love and grace. A precious gift taught from a small child. So I spoke of the lessons learned, from this one, my son. It was sweet and I enjoyed sharing the story. I was told it was well done, but Mormons are known to be ultra polite, so I can't be sure!
And then, today. The 24th of July. It means nothing to most of you. But here in Utah, it is Pioneer Day. First I will have to explain it before I can even tell you why I feel inclined to talk to you about it.
Pioneer Day!
The pioneers were fleeing an extermination order in Missouri, (really! The gov of the state at that time, said shoot them all!) they came to Utah, looking for freedom to live the life they felt God wanted them to. They came under terrible circumstances, bare feet, walking on cactus, all that. On July 24th, the Church leader, Brigham Young looked down into the Salt Lake Valley and said, "This is the Place" They didn't really know where they were going until that moment. The LDS, (Latter Day Saints, another name for the Mormons) feel a strong connection to their pioneer heritage. This pride is especially strong in Utah, today is state holiday, fireworks, picnics, people dressed in red, white and blue, parades etc. Pioneer day is a bigger day here than the 4th of July. California didn't do so much, but there are fewer LDS folk there.
All this explaining just so I can tell you MY truth. Now I would not express my opinion this boldly at church for a couple of reasons. It is no use trying to tell someone else an unpopular point of view unless they asked for it and unless they were really willing to hear what you have to say. No one at church has ever asked, so I have never said. Bald Man knows how I feel though.
In fact, my opinion could possibly make you feel squirmy, uncomfortable and even guilty. If it does, I won't apologize, but I will say, I hope you will read it all, and then ask questions of yourself and of me if you need to. Please.
I HATE Pioneer Day. For me, this "holiday" does nothing more than tout the
Manifest Destiny propaganda so beloved by the conquerors of the American continent. Ugh. I hate it. Why do they all act like they came marching in here to an EMPTY place? It wasn't empty. Utah had five tribes living here, long before the Pioneers came to the valley. The Goshutes, the Shoshone, the Ute, the Piaute and the Navajo were all here, long, long before anyone of the whiter persuasion arrived. Why not tell the truth? We came, we stole, we murdered, we WON. Sure the Indians did the same in return, no one says we are perfect and the people were defending their HOMES, their FAMILIES, their LAND, few people should be able to find fault in that. History is the story of the winners. Pioneer Day is a celebration for the conquerors. Because of that, I HATE Pioneer Day and that is my truth.
**Tues update, stupid blogger, it won't publish this new post and I am frustrated. Let me try AGAIN!

Coming Home

My bloggy Bon Bons, Jo is home again. Right now, I must admit to not being thrilled at being home. I slept poorly last night, which doesn't add to my rather blue mood this morning. My blue mood started when Princess was late picking me up, it was hot outside, I didn't have my cell phone with me, (it only works in Utah) and when I finally wrestled the phone card into working, she didn't answer. She finally got there and Pea screamed, and I mean SCREAMED the whole way home. My nerves were frayed the moment I walked in. And what was I greeted with? Two sink fulls of dishes, two very full laundry baskets, junk and stuff scattered all over the apartment, dirty rings in the toilet, toys and blankets on the floors. Not a clean room to be found anywhere. (Opps let me take that back, Bald Man cleaned Little Man's room while I was gone, and it was looking bad when I left. So Little Man's room looked good.)
So I wake up tired, Little Man was foul this morning, I guess he is mad that I left. I spilled his fish oils all over our bed, so that adds to the laundry I get to do today. There is no food, so I can't even find anything for breakfast. I am facing at least this morning doing housework. I did think about just leaving it, going out to breakfast and then a movie, but there is a problem with that. I will just come home to the same thing. A better plan is to do all the work first, go out to lunch and then a movie, and I can come home to a tidy apartment. Plus the reward of going out after the apartment is clean is the spoonful of sugar I need right now.
Coming home is hard sometimes. I had a WONDERFUL time whilst I was away. I was loved, adored, spoiled. I was greeted with so many hugs and kisses and shouts of "Jo-Jo's here! I slept til 9:30 yesterday! (10:30 Utah time). I went out to eat at least once a day. Granny and I had hoped to get together, but with this trip being so last minute, we decided to wait until I came out in Aug or Sept with a bit more notice.
The trip home was on the plane was fun and interesting. I really despise being bored so I engaged my seat mates in conversation. I met Lawyer Boy to the left of me, and Beach Girl to the right. Lawyer Boy works in disability law, helping people get the disability social security they need. I was impressed with that. Curly blondish brown hair and pretty blue eyes, he is still single at 33. He was crushed at Beach Girl's response to his age and marital status. You would have thought he was 80. Beach Girl is only 21, interning in Montana, far away from her Florida home and so very homesick. She was so cute, but she would have dated one of her dad's friends before she even considered Lawyer Boy. Sigh, so much for match making. I told them what I would be calling them and told them to google themselves. So if they find their way to my blog, I thank them for keeping me entertained on the flight home, it was very short with their help.
But home I am, and actually feeling just a bit better for having got this off my chest. I did miss all of you though! Well I need to catch up on some of my blog reading, I will have to finish it after my housework, otherwise I won't get started til noon. My housework is calling my name. Shoulders back soldiers, broom and microfiber dustcloth at the ready, MARCH, MARCH, MARCH!
Onward Housework soldiers, marching as to dirt... with the broom and dustpan, housework doesn't hurt.. (Sung to Onward Christian Soldiers if you know the tune) See ya later all my Bloggity cakelets, stay tuned for the further adventures of the Tangled Household. (but cleaner next time)

Because I Could

Howdy from the airport. I am a techophile, and I had to try it! The joy of my trip began yesterday as my friends from California found out I was coming out and my phone began to ring and ring. My time is full with being invited to parties, family get togethers and many dinner dates. 3 Sushi dates so far. YUM! I feel loved, adored, cherished. Everyone is so excited to see me, and that is probably the best gift of all. Feeling so loved. I am in bliss. What fun to post from the airport. Love to all my darling bloggies. See ya soon.

Leav'n On a Jet Plane...

.. don't know when I'll be back again.. Actually I do know when I will be back. Weds or so. One of my dear friends in California decided today that she missed me way too much and said, here is my credit card, can you come tomorrow?? Whoo Hoo I am making reservations, doing laundry and packing. I may or may not blog while I am gone, depending on my activities and internet access. All I can say is this Mama needs a break and I am off to Cali to get one. Granny, any chance you are going to be going north in the next few days??? hmm???
Little Man has his days full with summer camp and poor Bald Man shall be left holding down the fort for a few days. I shall come home, pampered and spoiled, taken out to eat for every meal.. what a life!
Love you all and I shall return soon. Hold down the fort in Blogger Land for me, don't let the trolls get outa hand, or I will have to do some slapp'n when I get back.

Because You Asked

I will not go into great detail about Little Man's birthmother, because it would not be helpful to any of my family or hers for this infomation to be made public. His birthmother's death happened a while ago and a bullet violently ended her life. Her drug habit certainly contributed to her death, but I refuse to vilify this woman, whom I share a son with. Instead I see her as a symbol of what is wrong with how we treat so many we see as being "undeserving". Brown, poor, uneducated, she is like so many I know, some of them my family, trying to live in a world that is not our own.
Little Man's birthday is not til the end of the month, but this time of year brings so much sorrow into my heart. Little Man doesn't have enough going on cognitively to understand any of this. While we talk freely about his adoption, he doesn't know what the word means. For Little Man, he has a mommy and a daddy and brothers and sisters. But we understand the loss and I feel I must not only grieve for myself, for all that isn't, I need to grieve for my boy and now for his birthmother too. Someone must remember what happened, someone must cry the tears that need to be shed. To honor her for what she did do and for all of her lost dreams too. Our tribe practices memorial services, they are very important for remembering and honoring the dead, who will always remain a part of our lives in the circle of life. I hadn't realized until I was answering this question why it feels so important for me to do this. Now I know. Thanks for asking.

What I Can't Do

This time of year, (Little Man's birthday) always leaves me a bit beat up emotionally. I am forced to face the fact that love does not heal everything and in spite of the fact that I love my Little Man passionately, there are many things I can not fix.
I can not give my Little Man a normal childhood. I can not go back and love this tiny baby, abandoned at eight hours and left alone in a dark corner of the hospital nursery because his little body was wracked with the effects of drug withdrawal. He would be 3 1/2 months old when he came to us, and I have no way of knowing or doing anything about what happened to him before he came to us. I can not fix his congnitive, mental and physical deficits, no matter how much I love him. I can not make him enjoy going places with us,to the store, camping, amusement parks. I can not make up for his autism and social problems, or make other kids like him. I can not promise him one day he will grow up, drive a car, have a job or ever go to college.
I can not give him his birth mother, the one, who in a perfect world should have been able to raise our son. I can not give him back all his other brothers and sisters, now scattered to the wind, like leaves in the fall, swirling away, to disappear and never be seen again. Now I can't even dream of him ever knowing her someday, the way we wanted, when she was able to be functional enough. She is gone, her life cut short by a bullet, not even 30 years old. Now all those dreams died and need to be buried too. But this time of year always leaves me wishing so hard that things could have been different. I used to think his birth mother would cry on his birthday, for missing him and I would cry for her loss. This year I will cry for him instead, for all I can't do.

Your Travel Guide

Yikes it has been crazy at Casa Tangled. We didn't end up in the hospital much to my relief. This particular infection wasn't as severe as some of the others and the oral antibotics seem to have taken care of it. Little Man's hand remains somewhat swollen, but is no longer red and best of all, isn't getting any worse. Mommy Hawk is currently asleep with her head under her wing, ready to begin a new vigil at any time.
Having a medically fragile child is a rather like walking on the edge of a cliff in the dark. Sometimes you are closer to the edge than others. Sometimes you know you are close to the edge, other times you fall off without realizing how close you were. Falling off means ending up in Club Med.
Club Med: An expensive resort with really bad room service and NO chocolate on your pillow. In fact, you don't even really get a bed, just a stupid pull out chair that kills your back, plus their wake up service sucks since they do it about every 2-4 hours. No tears here for missing that little resort stay. We have been able to avoid it for just over a year, which is great, since the previous year we couldn't stay away more than 4 months at a time.
Yesterday Princess was in a singing competition at one of the local 4th celebrations. It was HOT, and Little Man was a beast. Screaming, crying, a bit of violence on his part. When Princess was done with the first round, we were outta there. Little Man did much better at home the rest of the day, and neither of his parents felt like committing mayhem on his little body after we got home. This is the first competition that Princess has ever lost, she was quite shocked, as any princess would be. What? They didn't chose me?
Brown Boy returned to Florida yesterday. Pygmy Child will be off to visit him the end of July. Their romance continues to flower and we like him very much. He is wound a little bit tight, but otherwise, he is a really sweet guy, who thinks the world of our daughter. He is a college grad, gainfully employed, good to his mom, same religion and he makes Pygmy Child smile. What's not to like?
Little Man is off to his summer program and mama is going to get some things done today. I have been driving on a donut tire for four days and Bald Man is really getting anxious about it. So first thing that will get done is new tires. Other things shall follow, like maybe a nap! Although all Bloggity Ones will note the most important thing happened first, blog update. I have got my priorities straight here peoples!

Not What I Had Planned

I did not plan:
To not post for a week! Sorry, bloggy darlings, it has been insanity city here. With Pygmy Child returning from Ecuador and Brown Boy staying in the room with the puter, well that means I am so behind on my interneting. I read the blogs I normally do today, but left no comments, so I am thinking of all of you.

For Little Man to get stung by a wasp yesterday. Last time that happened, we ended up in the hospital for a week with cellulitus. His hand looked fine yesterday but today is red and swollen. I just spent most of my day in the ER with him. They didn't keep him, but sent him home on antibotics and under his watchful mommy's eye. So I am doing the mommy hawk thing. Hopping from one twig to another, moving one just so, tilting my heady so my beady little mommy hawk eye can watch his hand. Does it look more swollen or red? Hmm, no not really, hop, hop, stare, hop. Ya know.

To not get enough sleep the last few days. I am TIRED! Too tired to post much, too tired to leave comments. I need to go lay down. zzzzzz
I promise to post as soon as I can. Keep Little Man in your thoughts and prayers, being at Club Med is NOT what I have planned.

Monday Morning Catch Up

The unpacking continues apace. It is rather amusing when you consider the logistics of moving. First, I spent weeks obsessed with boxes. I wanted good boxes. If you have ever moved, you need sturdy boxes that are not TOO big, but not too small either. And what is really nice is when you can get most of them about the same size, it makes stacking so much easier. I spent MONTHS packing things up. One day, and EVERYTHING changes. Now I hate those boxes I spent so much time lovingly and obsessively collecting, and I want them OUT of my space. This is a good lead-in to a cute pic of Little Man among the boxes

So my life is the opposite of what it was a couple of weeks ago, now I am expending much energy UNPACKING those very same, gosh darn, boxes I spent so much time packing.
We have a deadline to get the living room and other bedroom finished. Friday. That day, pygmy Child returns from Ecuador and Brown Boy follows quickly on her heels the same day to stay with us through the fourth of July. By the By, Pygmy Child called the other day and said she is enjoying the translating for Operation Smile, but she isn't getting enough fresh fruits and veggies and is tired and is looking forward to coming home.
My computer unpacking is coming along, we purchased a new puter desk, so the puter is off the kitchen table. Now I need to hook up the wireless part so we can unplug the phone cord that is snaking down the hallway and tripping the unwary. I obviously got my camera to unload, (with a certain amount of disappointment, I was hoping it was broken, I really want a new one, but can't justify the expense.) So here is the picture I promised of my funny needle felting class I took last Saturday. He is funny little man and I call him Figaro.

Can't you just seem him tossing a pizza or serenading you at an Italian restaurant?
And Taaa Daaa! We managed to get another washer and dryer without breaking the bank. They are old, but they work and they cost very little. No more laundry room for me!

We shan't discuss WHY we had to get another washer and dryer since it involves a certain bald someone in my house making a decision I disagreed with. I am just so glad to have them again, I am not griping!
JJ is having a hard time right now emotionally. He is angry and shutting us out. I am sure the presence of the brain mass is a part of what is going on for him, but he won't say. He refused to do the EEG and at this point we don't have a way to force him. I am hoping some time will help him do better and we are working on getting him into some counseling and hoping it will help.
Little Man is doing okay in his summer program. I must admit some amount of frustration with the staff. This is a program specifically aimed at helping children with disabilities and they are sometimes so clueless on how to handle him. He is enjoying some of the activities he has done, like swimming twice a week and bowling. Me? I am just enjoying the luxury of hours a day of me deciding what I am going to do with my time! Bum, bum, bum, de bum, I am a bum and I love it!
And finally in spite of the fact we moved about 7 or 8 miles away from the kids, my fear of not seeing as much of them has evaporated. With the addition of a pool, cable TV, high speed internet and central air, we are seeing them MORE than when we just lived 2 miles away. Sometimes too much. I had to kick them out last night so I could collapse in bed. A final picture to share. Miss Pea, who already knows what to do with a phone!

Hoping you all have a great beginning to your week too.

All in the Family

Okay internet peeps, I was going to blog about something else today. It is rather a conundrum when you have a post all outlined in your head. Thinking about it as you are going to sleep and when you wake up in the night. (I don't think I have dreamed about blogging yet, but I expect that will come with time.) Then something else pops up in a pressing manner, BLOG ME, BLOG ME! And what do you do Bloggy Darlings? Do you stay with your plans, slow and steady wins the race, staid and plodding along? Or, do you be spontaneous and free spirited, blowing about in which ever way the wind takes you? Today I shall be unrestrained because I can't resist.
If you have never read Sarlive's blog then you must. After I had read Sarlive for the first time, imagine my surprise to discover Sar's sister is non other than the infamous Jul, aka Thumbscre.ws. And if that just isn't enough fun for all of you, much to my delight and astonishment (insert raised eyebrows and a mouth shaped like a rather large O) I find out there is another sister and, gasp! Even their mother blogs!
So this post takes precedence over the one I planned. A bloggy family. What a beguiling, pleasing morsel to enjoy on hump day. I present to you this literary, silly and not a little bit crazy family. Enjoy!

Mondays Are Great!

Oh what a lovely morning, I could just sing and dance and twirl in the sunshine. Imagine Julie Andrews twirling on the green hillside, singing her heart out. Why, you ask, why is our Jo so happy this morning?
Jo is happy this morning on many counts.
1. Little Man restarted his summer program. He left at 8:45 this morning and will not return until 6ish tonight. (For information's sake, Little Man has what is called a Medicaid Waiver, all states have them, they are used to help keep people from being institutionalized. We were on the waiting list for FIVE years and we are just approaching our first year on the program. The afternoon program he attends 4 days a week, 2 1/2 hours a day, costs 60$ a day! GULP! The program is aimed at Little Man having fun while learning social skills and getting along with other children and adults in appropriate ways. They work on his behaviors and he has goals to help him along. But the added benefit is that Mommy gets a break. A BREAK people! I finally caught one)
My happy attitude is in spite of the fact this child has decided 10:30 is a good time to fall asleep and 5 is a good time to wake up. Doesn't work for Bald Man and I though.
2. Jo is sitting at her puter on HIGH speed internet. Already I am losing the patience I had learned with dial up. I want that webpage up, NOW! But it is lovely, so fast, so instant for the most part.
2. Jo is sitting at her puter, with high speed internet, even though she is tired, with a Mountain Dew at hand. Guaranteed to fix the sleepies with a high dose of caffeine. (Mountain Dew, Elixir of the gods, bane to good Mormons.)
3. Jo is sitting at her puter, with high speed internet, with Mountain Dew at hand, in the coolness of her Centrally Air Conditioned comfort of her apartment. (My house had a swamp cooler, which isn't nearly as nice)
4. Should Jo decide she is bored, she can switch on cable TV, (free with apartment) and loudly complain with 100 channels there still isn't anything to watch. (or go swimming in the pool she doesn't have to maintain, or go work out in the exercise room, or continue the unpacking process. None of those things sound the least bit interesting to Jo currently)
Jo will continue to see if she can get her digital camera to work, for some reason it won't unload pics which is a shame, since she has a cute one of Little Man sitting among the boxes, and of her project from the Needle Felting class she took on Saturday.
Mondays are great, don't you agree??

New! And Improved!

Thinking about it, I don't suppose you will notice much of a difference in my new HIGH! SPEED! INTERNET! But oh my heck, I am sure noticing! It is fast, oh so lovely and fast. I want to kiss my new DSL modem. I could hardly wait to unpack the surprisingly small box it came in and set it up. And it is! As I mentioned before, Bald Man and mostly myself were fairly early Prodigy users. And I will confess I got hooked early and fast. My first dealer was one of my best friends, who I will call Sunny, she was the one who showed me the ins and outs and most of all that sound, that incredible sound. The sound of the internet hooking up. The high and low tones, the clicks, oh my gosh! That amazing, fanastic sound. When I first got Prodigy in about 1992 or so, that sound would give me butterflies in my stomach and my fingers would tingle. I wish I was kidding, but I am not. I was addicted. To the high, the connection, the amazing amounts of information and downloads, free downloads! The newest drug of choice at the Tangled Household. High Speed DSL. With wireless, so Bald Man can use his laptop whilst I am surfing the net at obscene speeds. The most likely noticible change might be more pictures, but maybe not. I was extremely patient with Photobucket and how slow it loaded for dail-up. Mostly I am just so excited. Whoooo hooooo! Here I go! Sorry no pics at this time, I can not find my cord to connect my camera with my puter. I looked, but could not stay away from the high speed for long. But you can expect them! Soon!

Surviving

Hey Bloggity Little Lovelies, I am still alive, sort of. If I had gotten a moment sooner to post, I would have said that I was physically exhausted. Sore, yikes, my back, my legs, my arms, too too tired to live, shoot me now please. BUT! I got to go to Wal-Mart by myself and suddenly I am not as tired as I was. Hmmmm, very interesting. That means I am not just tired in my body, but also my spirit. Big surprise to none of you I suppose, but huge surprise to me. What? You mean trying to move practically by ourselves, with no break from our very demanding little man is spirit sapping? SURPRISE! Yup! Add JJ's brain mass, Pygmy Child leaving for Ecuador today, Oldest Son and Girlfriend's car breaking down yesterday, Pea catching a cold and being very cranky, me being so very sad about leaving my house behind, to say nothing about delaying my entrance into grad school and you have a Jo, tired in both body and spirit. But alive. And being an unfailing optimist, there are so many things to rejoice over. Our apartment has a pool! That I don't have to clean. We are getting high speed internet on Friday! Whoo hoo, after being dial up since 1993, Prodigy, people, (does it even exist anymore?) for you oldsters out there, we are going high speed! I can hardly wait. Plus we have cable. Wow. Many fun things. Some not so fun stuff, but we won't go into that at this time. This post is to laugh that I am still alive and enjoying the bennies of apartment living. Chat at you soon darling Bloggies.

Free!

I am supposed to be packing, but no, I am writing to you, because I missed you my Bloggity Bon Bons. I will make it short and if Bald Man comes down the stairs, I am so pretending I am cleaning out the desk... shhhh....
I can not figure me out sometimes. Guess what came in the mail today??? My free
Swiffer duster! And here is the bizarre juxtaposition that is me. I LOVE cleaning products. Whenever I see a commerical for a new, oh say, cleaning wipe, disposable toilet thingy or whatever, I WANT it, I lust after it. Sometimes I give myself permission to buy it. But with free stuff, I can indulge myself in my love/lust for cleaning products without feeling guilty about the money.
But, I HATE cleaning. Yuck. Unless I am trying out new products, then I enjoy it. You should have seen me with my first Mr.Clean cleaning eraser. Insane I tell you!
So go find out if you can get a free Swiffer Duster, so far I am impressed with the product. Watch this space for other free cleaning product updates.
Now back to your regularly scheduled dead time, filled at our crazy house with much cleaning and packing.

5 Kinds of Mormons

Since I don't really want to discuss the current suckitude of my life, I am tired of whining! I will instead share this little piece that I have been saving to share with you. I think it is hilarious, although I do think some of the humor might be due to my intimacy with the Mormon culture. If there is anything you don't "get" feel free to ask and I will be glad to share why this article is so dang funny. Nothing like laughing at yourself, you will never run out of things to laugh about.
For your reading pleasure, let me introduce you to Robert Kirby, Mormon and Mormon Roaster.
5 Kinds of Mormons
by Robert Kirby


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With thirty years in the LDS Church (10 states and four countries). I think I am something of an expert on Mormons. Enough of an expert in fact to know that I'm going to catch hell for this. Here it is. In the entire world there are only five kinds of Mormons. Basically.

The first kind of Mormon is the Liberal Mormon, this includes all Mormons who attend church only when they feel like it. Liberal Mormons anywhere to the left of the Republican Party, are not rabidly pro-life and don't think every word that falls from the lips of a General Authority represents the actual personal opinion of Jesus Christ. Liberal Mormons are going to hell. Just ask any of the other four kinds of Mormons. On the other hand Liberal Mormons think the intolerance and naive stupidity of other Mormons is more of a threat to mankind than Russian missiles, wheat weevils or 'R' rated movies.

After Liberal Mormons come Genuine Mormons. Nearly every Mormon thinks this is the kind of Mormon he is. In reality, Genuine Mormons are about as rare as, oh say, angels or golden plates. Genuine Mormons are unimpressed with themselves and their opinions. They are affable, easy going and keenly interested in the well being of others. They live various lifestyles and when compared to the more outlandish lifestyles of other Mormons, tend to be dang near invisible. A friend of mine says that this is because they have all been translated. He is wrong. My studies have proved there are only 11 Genuine Mormons on the face of the earth. Two of them live in Utah, three in the remainder of the United States, two in South America, one each in Japan, Canada, Samoa and Spain. There are no Genuine Mormons in California or Idaho. One doubles as a Liberal Mormon, of the remaining ten, four are the Three Nephites and John the Beloved.

The third kind of Mormon is the Conservative Mormon. These kinds of Mormon are the suit and flowered dress crowd you see at church. They tend to be a little overweight and Republican. They attend church 95% of the time but may, if pressed hard enough sleep through General Conference. They pay tithing on their net income and have 4.5 children. The homes of C.M's are decorated with Relief Society nick-knacks. Conservative Mormons humor Liberal Mormons because after all, they are God's children too. 75% of the LDS church is C.M. and 99% of all Conservative Mormons were born into the church.

Fourth are the Orthodox Mormons. Orthodox Mormons would not miss church for the death of a relative. Left to their own devices Orthodox Mormons would eventually make the bringing of dry cereal and Tupperware bowls to Sacrament Meeting a gospel ordinance. Orthodox Mormons have 7.8 children - not because they enjoy them but because somewhere it says that they should, and because even abstinence is an intolerable form of birth control. Orthodox Mormons are scared of Russians, MTV and accidentally partaking of the sacrament with their left hands. They believe Liberal Mormons are the children of the devil. Orthodox Mormons pay tithing based upon their gross income and believe Diet Coke is part of the Word of Wisdom.

Finally there are the Nazi Mormons. 10% of the LDS church is Nazi Mormon. Of that 10% 90% live in Utah and most within shouting distance of BYU. Nazi Mormons are prone to wild claims in testimony meeting about things which cannot be proven. Nazi Mormons claim Diet Coke is the same thing as heroin and heaven is a multi-level marketing system. Nazi Mormons always want to have private talks with you about either golden futures, alien landing strips or soap. Nazi Mormons believe french kissing is cause for excommunication, they routinely take the advice of General Authorities and even improve on it. If no single dating until 16 is good, no single dating until draft age is better. Nazi Mormons pay tithing on their gross income including the stuff they get from the Bishops Storehouse.

There you go. Remember, it is possible to fluctuate between levels. In truth one could find himself swayed from the Conservative Mormon level to the Orthodox Mormon level by a particularly powerfully fireside speaker. This only applies to one-level jumps. A Liberal Mormon for example, could never drop four levels to Nazi Mormon.



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Angst

The visit with the neuro went OK. On one hand I feel reassured and on the other, not. That was an enlightening statement, wasn't it?? The neuro feels reassured that this is "just" a cyst. I was NOT, it is HUGE, like 2 or 3 inches! IN. MY. KIDS. HEAD! Now I know he doesn't use his brain for much now, but someday we would like to think he might... The neuro thinks the seizure and the cyst are not connected. Not connected? My kid hits his forehead, has a massive seizure, the place where he hit his head was not hit hard enough to leave any kind of mark, bruise or bump, and somehow this is unconnected.(They did say, that is odd) I am not buying that. And to top it all off, the place, (posterior fossa) where the cyst is located means it is supposed to be congential. Well JJ had an MRI at the age of one and there was NO HUGE cyst in his head. You would have to be a blind idiot to miss this. The doctor even said he had never seen one this large. And if it was too small to be seen, then it has GROWN, hugely! Anyway. More tests, more doctors.
And JJ. He won't even talk about it. He was silent the whole way home from the doctor, except to answer my question if he was upset with a grunt. Won't talk about it now. I guess he needs time to process. And here is the deal. He is nearly 17. There is nothing we can do if he refuses more tests and/or treatment. He needs to come to this on his own and we need to allow him the time to do it, even if it not as we wish it. Angst. Mine, his, ours.

Guess What?

I am sure you don't want to play that game right now, who knows what sort of drama might be hiding behind those two simple words?
Okay, I won't keep ya hanging. Oldest Son and Girlfriend are back together. I am so glad to have that sweetie back officially in our lives. Now things can go back to the way they were, and I liked it like that.
Of course, we need to do the big Sunday dinner thing tomorrow, but guess what? Pygmy Child packed my kitchen. I will have to do some unpacking to make that happen.
I got a nap today WOOT!
Poor poor Little Man, his anxiety is through the roof. I can't even move to another room in the house without his frantic calling, where are you mommy? If he hears my keys jingle, oh heavens, it is the end of the world and depending on how he is doing, it can become hysteria in just minutes. Never ask a child of limited cognitive ability, (like my PC way of saying that?) with autism and anxiety disorder to have his world turned upside down. He is not handling this well. We are using his Ativan PRN, (as needed) every day, and it has been a LONG time since we have had to do that. Poor little guy. I am doing my best to do the good mommy thing and being sure to read him lots of stories and to always have room on my lap or next to me to help reduce his fears. There ya go! My saturday. Calming my youngest and trying to get something done. Drank my fortifying drug of choice, (Mountain Dew, elixir of the gods) and I think I am ready to actually do something. Thank you for all your support and love, it has made a difference.

Geez That Was Dumb!

Bald Man and I sought one of the most common forms of entertainment to be found when you don't have a babysitter. Renting a movie. The first one we picked out, I think it was called Avalance, the clerk, who I know quite well, said " I don't think you will like that one" So when I pulled up Queen Latifia's movie, Last Holiday, she said it was funny so we rented it.
BAD IDEA!
Not 15 minutes into the movie Queen Latifia is being diagnosed with a mass in her brain. Uhhhh..... Bald Man and I turned off the DVD player, I went to go check my email and he watched the news. Go figure! What do you think the chances of that happening are? Suddenly the movie wasn't funny and we didn't feel like watching it anymore.

Cloud Break

Yesterday. The morning was filled with trauma and upsettingness. ( I know it isn't a real word, but I mean what it says) Confirming the mass in my child's brain. While he is under the impression he is almost a grownup, he will never understand or know, he is still just my little boy. All I want to do is curl up with him and pretend that none of this is happening. How I wish mommy's magical kisses could make this boo-boo disappear.
The downside to being an incredible internet searcher, (my friends in school always ask me to find the stuff they need because I can find it quick and find lots about it) is that I now know WAY more than I wanted to about what is going on with JJ and his mass. Even if it is "just" a subarachnoid cyst, the fact it didn't show up on his first MRI at age one means it has grown. Things growing in your posterior fossa are bad because there just isn't a lot of room in the back of your head. While I had hoped for some easy answers, the brain is still a very unexplored space and there will be no quick, easy or even definitive answers for now. More tests, more doctors. The neurologist on mon.
Enough about that, I am sure I will be writing plenty more about that in the weeks to come.
An Aside: Just so you peeps don't think I am some sort of a drug addict, I didn't steal any of Little Man's Ativan yesterday. In fact I had never taken Ativan before in my life, but honey, I needed it the other day. Grateful it was there, saved me a trip to the doctor's office to get some of my own.
The afternoon came and I was still very teary and upset, we signed the final papers on the house and closing day is supposed to be today. But the house is NOT finished being packed. Tell me how we are supposed to do that? Even with help, I could tell this was not going to be happen'n.
Bald Man and I are slowly working out the money issues and honestly folks if money was the only reason I stayed, we would have been divorced many years ago. Yesterday and today things are tender and tentative, but we are talking and trying to find a way to bridge past the hurt.
We had to go hunt for apartments. The problem is the apt we LOVE and want, won't be ready to move into until the 12th of June. Bald man called the real estate agent and even though I thought there was no way the buyers would agree to it, they took pity on us and our horrible circumstances and they said we could wait til the 13th to vacate. What a kind, wonderful, giving thing to do. I am flabbergasted by their willingness to inconvenience their lives for our sake. I feel like someone took the weight of the world off my shoulders.
Then I got home and checked my email. R, you know who you are and what you did and more than the gift, the kindness and caring behind it means the world to me.
Add to these two incredible gifts, my day being punctuated by calls of concern and caring for our family and my friend dropping by with her two kids to help us pack, my two oldest packing and running errands for us, my email and blog had many messages of prayer and love, the sun finally is shining again.
When the bleakness is so oppressive and formless, there is no way to know how much of it belongs to which part of my current unhappy status. But with the cloud break, I understand that some of what I was feeling had to do with not having a place to live and feeling like there was no way humanly possible to do what was being asked of us. Part of the weight is off and for now, I feel like I can do this. I was starting to wonder.

Beyond Tired

I was going to do this big long post for you, my bloggiest dears, but I am too tired to. Let me tell you that the worst parts of this current suckfest seem to be behind us. I will give that all to you tomorrow when I am not falling asleep at the puter.
It seems as though there are no quick and easy answers with brain stuff. Even though I knew that intellectually ( I am trained as a medical social worker) I wanted with all my heart a quick and definitive answer. Alas it isn't to be. The MRI confirms a mass, which may or may not be a cyst, (even a cyst in the brain is not a GOOD thing). We have an appt on mon with a neurologist. Promise, promise little Bloggy Cucumbers that I will post everything tomorrow. The best part is I am back to feeling like I can get through this.