Father's Day

(This picture was taken on the day Little Man was given to us)

I was blessed with an amazing parent. One who taught me how to use power tools, how to change the tires and oil in the car, how to be strong, even when I was scared, how to be unmoved in the face of force. My parent coached my softball team, drove me to play practice, and taught me to mow the yard. Took me camping, showed me how to burn off the mantles in the propane lamp, and start and put out fires.
I was the luckiest girl in the world, because my mom was the best "dad".
As I grew older and thought about marriage, I wanted the same kind of dad for my kids. I married a man who melts when he holds a baby, who sang endless rounds of "I've Been Working on the Railroad to colicy babies, took us all camping, and went to every single one of the kid's plays, concerts, wrestling matches, track meets, and scout things. He talks baby talk to our dog, he gives horsey rides to the grand babies, just as he did for our kids.
When our oldest got married, I told her that her fiance reminded me a great deal of her father, who everyone, including myself calls him a good man. My daughter told me she thought she was very lucky, because she thought I got the last one. Highest praises, well deserved.
I married a good man, who became a wonderful father, and has ripened into a beloved Pop Pop to his grand children.

Too Much To Say

Too much to say and not enough time or good internet connection to say it.
I am breathing that baby in, every.single.day. All frog curled on my chest, breathing in the wonderment and awe that is new baby. Never get enough of it.
Got to go to the ocean, a WARM ocean. Wow. It filled my soul in a way I have a hard time expressing.
Taking LOTS of pictures that will have to wait for a better internet to be put up. It is LUSH here, besides the beautiful baby.
Little Man is doing really decent right now and I am soooo grateful.
Practicing being totally present so I don't waste a single moment not being HERE, where I am, right now. Gotta fill up, cause it is going to have to last until Christmas.
It is so dang hot and humid here, it is like getting hit in the face with a hot wet towel when you walk outside. I had no idea. none. do now.
My sweet girl is the best mommy ever. Tigger couldn't have picked a better mom. I am so proud of her I could bust. She is having a very tough time and dang, my girl is a WARRIOR!
Peace. Love. Sweet. Precious. Here.

Better

Little Man is doing better than he was. I am less worried and so it is less difficult to be present here, where I am, right now.
I am filled with gratitude for the good people in my life. For my husband and his willingness to stick this out so I can stay here with my girl, for friends who pray and send good thoughts our way, for our respite providers who were so willing on short notice to make this all happen.
I love my boy, more than I can say, this has been SOOOO hard on me, but I am working on being zen about it and being present.
thank you. thank you.
Jo

Short

My daughter and son in law's internet sucks. I have to keep this short and I don't have any pictures, cause they take too long to upload.
Things are wonderful and terrible.
I am loving being with my sweet girl and her precious boy, and watching him smile and coo just kills me every.single.time. She is happier with me here and that makes me happy.
The terrible: Little Man is having a VERY hard time with me gone and has been scary aggressive with his respite worker. I feel so torn about needing to be here and there at the same time.
For right now, Bald man says things are okay, and to stay, so I am working on being totally present, every minute with my beloved Pygmy Child and Tigger.
Prayers and good thoughts would be greatly appreciated.

Here

I am here. Happily holding my Tigger. I will post pictures later. We were able scramble together some short term help with the assistance of JJ, while we continue to look for some help for the summer. STRESS.
But for now, Little Man is okay, Bald Man is okay, I am more than okay, as I drink in the newness and awesomeness of my new grandson.
Thank you for your support and love. It is so appreciated.

The Abyss

Crazy week and it got crazier. I have been wanting to show off my pictures and stories from the Casual Bloggers Conference, but instead, I am crawling here to share my hurt.
It is a long story, but to keep it short, Little Man is in an after school program. It is a therapeutic program for people with disabilities. They also run the summer program he attended the last three summers.
We have heard nothing but how great he is doing, with an occasional off day. How much they love him, etc.
We got called yesterday to come pick him up early, he was losing it. As we interrupted our Buttercup's first birthday party to handle this, we were told he was no longer welcome in the program.
I was told that maybe we need to put him on more meds, since whatever he is on, isn't helping with his behaviors.
I was told that 3 parents had said that their children would not be going to the summer program if Little Man attended.
I was told that they had staff complaining and threatening to quit because of my boy.
Why all of a sudden? Why hadn't they talked to us? I can't believe it is happening, particularly on the brink of my leaving!
Last night I was angry, confused, hurt and ultimately just plain heartbroken.
I feel like I am standing on the edge of an abyss. Is this the beginning of the end? Is he going to become so violent and out of control that we can't take care of him? How am I supposed to deal with this?
First I scrambled to find something for him for while I am gone, so Bald Man can work, and then I cried and cried.
I woke up this morning, and the grief hit me first, then the realization of what we are facing.
I asked my husband if he was emotionally hungover and he said when he woke up, he wondered why he felt so sad. It feels like someone had died. We are mourning. Not bodily death, but death of hope and dreams.
I love this boy, more than I can tell you. He is my miracle child, he is my heart, and yet, the pain is lingering underneath a huge question mark for the future.

P.S. Legally we have 30 days where they have to take him. I don't know about you, but I can not send my vulnerable child, who can not defend himself, to where he might be mistreated. Not physically, but if they were to be unkind and impatient with him, it would be harmful to him. We have made some short terms arrangements, and his Waiver Case Manager is helping us look for something else.

Squeee!!!

The Casual Blogger Conference is here! If you are there, please find me and say hi. What an awesome weekend. It is kind of pitiful, you would think that I was going to Paris for a week. I was trying to figure out the last time I really had a day for some fun, um... that was like AUGUST! So fun, here I come.
Wish me luck on the panels, I hope I don't make a fool of myself.
Are you going?

Rage Against the "Man"

This morning, I am taking my daily medications. Which to my sorrow have multiplied beyond a vitamin and my anti depressant in the morning. I realized as I was swallowing down my pills, (with much gratitude every day. I might not like taking medication, but it is way better than being almost dead!) that my Bald Man and I are on the same hypertensive meds. (high blood pressure). I do not know why my high blood pressure was not a "silent killer" like my husband's, but mine was going to kill me very loudly.
After I swallowed my pills, I looked at him and said, "how did they diagnose your hbp?" He said that he had gone in once and they said it was high and they put him on medication right away.
Here is the list of my questions that followed:

They didn't make you come in over and over to "prove" you had hbp?
No
They didn't make you keep a log for two weeks of daily blood pressure to "prove" it wasn't white coat hypertension?
No
They didn't tell you it was in your head?
No
They didn't tell you to talk to a therapist about it, because you might be having panic attacks and didn't know it?
No
They didn't tell you that you have a stressful life and you need to reduce your stress?
No
They didn't tell you to go practice breathing and meditation for it?
No.

Well that is certainly what I was told! And now I am MAD! By the way, we see the same doctor. As for the stressful life, ahem, we have the same frick'n life!
A plate of misogyny with a side order of patriarchy. Blech.

Mountain Monday

I am feeling so much better! We finally have my blood pressure under control and I feel pretty darn good.
I am leaving the beginning of June for Florida and my new grandson. I can hardly wait. It has been really tough on me to be so far away when my daughter needed me. I felt like a mama cat, with her baby stuck in a storm drain, meowing for help. I wanted to get to her but couldn't. I spent a lot of time praying.

I can't wait to kiss this face! Tigger!


Spring in Utah. It has been a cold and rainy/snowy Spring this year. But in spite of the weather, there continue to be signs that Spring is really here.

Baby sheepies!




Just to remind us Winter is not quite gone, snow, but pretty clouds!



You can see the green of Spring creeping up the mountain, pushing Winter away until next year.


Lilacs!




One of Ms. Tenacious' younger siblings...









The last soccer game of the Spring season




Beautiful granddaughters blooming!
Can you believe it? When I started this blog, I had one grandchild. Now I have five!



Thanks for hanging in there thru the paucity of posts. I am hoping I am back on my blogging horse!

And don't forget!


Hope to see you there!

No Mountain Monday

Sorry peeps, I am just not up for it today.
I do have a new picture of Tigger though!







I really must brag about how proud I am of my daughter and son in law. Tigger was a tough little guy to get nursing, and I am so proud of his parents for hanging in there, calling in knowledgeable troops to help them and just for being so, well, I guess, tenacious! It can be a wonderful gift when the going gets tough. I couldn't ask for a more supportive daddy and husband for my daughter and grandson.

Blah, now onto to the not so great. As much I would love to not talk about it, my health continues to be a big issue, no matter how much I want to ignore it.
I have developed high blood pressure and a high heart rate, for what reason, no one knows. Now, the American Heart Association calls hypertension, "the silent killer"
They LIE! Lying liar mcliar pants! My high blood pressure is loud and noisy and not the least bit quiet. I am capable of telling where my blood pressure is, by how I am feeling. The higher it gets, the worse I feel. Tired is the big one. I also get really shaky. The higher it is, the shakier I get. To the point where I can't hold a book, sew, or even be on the computer. I HATE it. I was feeling so much better just a couple weeks ago and this set back has been tough on me emotionally. I keep saying, "I just want to feel better!"
One of the hardest things about this is I never know how I am going to feel, from day to day or even hour to hour. Some days I wake up feeling great, other days, like today, I just turn around after Little Man is gone to school and go back to bed.
I am learning to take advantage of when I am feeling good. There is one problem with this. Since I don't feel good all the time, or even half the time, I do not have enough time to do everything I want/should do. I have to plan my "good time" very carefully, giving myself enough room on each end of an activity to recover. I can push myself when I am not feeling really well, but I will pay for it, in a big way later. I am tired of being tired, tired of not feeling good. Tired of being sick, it feels like months and months of my life have been taken away from me. As, I guess they have.
I am overall okay, not depressed, but it is a struggle sometimes to maintain a positive outlook. For now, hope that I will feel better at some point keeps me going. Now and then a little voice says, "what if this is the new normal?", I can't bear to think that, so I put duct tape on that little voice's mouth.
My husband has been a hero through all this. He is patient with my inability to do things on some days and he is always asking me how I am feeling. I try to give him a heads up if I am feeling good when he leaves for work and later take a slide. I don't want him thinking dinner will be waiting, when I can barely get out of bed. He so far has been a saint and utterly patient with my physical weakness.
It is so weird, after so many years of being able to push myself through sleepless nights, being sick, whatever, to not be able to do it anymore. I am not enjoying this current part of my life, but at the same time, when I have things to do that I enjoy, like playing with my grand babies, I put my whole self into it, laughing and enjoying the moment. In spite of not feeling well all the time, one thing I realize is that the moments are all we have. A hug, a kiss, a tickle, laughter, each should be cherished in its fullness at the very moment it happens.
Slow down, before you get pushed down like moi, and really, really, enjoy the good moments as much as you can. Life AND health can be fleeting.

He's Here!

My first grandson Tigger arrived yesterday morning. Pygmy Child was a warrior with a very long, difficult labor and I am so proud of her for not quitting. She got the home birth she wanted and a healthy baby boy. He weighs 7lbs, 7oz and is 19 1/2 inches long. He also had a 14 inch head! Now for the non midwifey types, that is a BIG head for a 7lb baby. It is more like a nine pound baby head. And Pygmy Child, in spite of her short stature (4ft7in) has her mama's more than adequate pelvis.
I cried some last night, feeling so left out with not being there, but got over my self pity pretty quickly. June will be here soon enough, with plenty of days to love on my Tigger and daughter.
I just want to tell everyone how proud I am of her, for being so brave, so stubborn, for believing in her body and the birthing process. I have no doubt whatsoever if she had had a hospital birth she would have had a c sec. (Which, when used as they are supposed to, as a life saving measure, are a blessing) In turn, it makes me so grateful that I was able to pass on my beliefs in childbirth and the wholeness of women to my daughters.
Our family has changed as we add a new one to our fold. We feel so blessed. Welcome home Tigger, I know the angels celebrated your birth too.

Mountain Monday

If you wanted to go but found out the conference was sold out, you are in luck! There are 75 more tickets on sale, so run and get yourself one!
_______________________________________________________

Who knows? Maybe I am finding my blogging mojo again? It snowed last week a couple of inches and it is going to snow again on Weds, but we are not going to speak of that bit of ugliness. It is Spring, I insist, no matter what evidence there is to the contrary. There are far more signs of Spring than there are of lingering Winter, so pay the death throes of Winter no attention whatsoever.










There is Mr. Winter, saying "nanny, nanny" from the top of the mountains...




I have a thing about roads and landscapes. Something about them calls to my soul and I love them in every season.



I had starting taking a couple of adult ed photography classes in Feb. I, uh, never got to finish for some strange reason. So I took the last half of the classes recently. I enjoyed both of them, but the portrait class was my favorite. Here are a couple of my favorites from the class.

A fake "senior" portrait



A family picture.



Updates: Pygmy Child is still pregnant with Tigger, I remember vividly being overdue and my heart is with her at the end of her pregnancy. I continue to focus on going to be with her and my grandson in June, rather than the other. There is too much to be grateful for instead of mourning for what is lost.

My health. blah. and blech. After a lifetime of very low blood pressure, my blood pressure and heart rate have decided to take a sharp rise lately. I have been to the dr and the ER with no real answers. At this point, I just want to feel better. I was doing so much better a couple of weeks ago than I am now. My high blood pressure makes me tired and headachy. This Thursday I am getting fitted with a holter monitor to see if I am having any heart irregularities. Honestly, I just want to feel better and I have no idea what is going on, except I know when I don't feel well. BUT, I am still feeling WAY better than I was a couple of months ago, almost anything is an improvement from almost dead!
Thanks for dropping by, you know I love you all and I appreciate sticking with me through my lean season recently.

Check Me Out!

Not only am I attending the Casual Bloggers Conference

I am speaking!
TWICE!


You may check out my bio and gulp! picture of me at this link: Casual Blogger Speakers
I will wait while you go look, scroll down to the "J's" for Jo of course.

I looked at that picture and my first thought was, "Holy heck, I look Chinese!"
Living my entire life being something besides Caucasian, and living most of my life outside of Utah, I have accepted the fact I don't look white and that I look like "something else". The guesses have included, Hispanic, Asian, and Hawaiian, unless I am home on the reservation my family is from, in which case, they get the tribe right and even my family! Most impressive.

You must now watch this hilarious commercial. I insist. It is important.








Guess what? I have my new identity for living in Utah! I am racially ambiguous! Finally, a place for me. I am so happy!
And you know what else? I do have beautiful hair!

Mountain Monday

In case you hadn't heard, this is what Utah looked like 13 days ago, on April 6th. We got 8 inches of snow that day, much to all our horror.









It looks like that was Mother Natures last attempt to keep winter around, thank goodness!

Here is what my corner of the world looks like today.




It is hard to see unless you click on the picture and see it larger. But the green of Spring is creeping up the flanks of the mountains, chasing away Winter, while the rest of us cheer in delight.




Here the new leaves on the wild roses begin to unfold, while the winter's rose hips wither away.











I am not sure if you can tell, but Ms. Tenacious is gone. I like to think she decided that it was time to move on to another part of life, death is just a part of it, and letting go, a birth, not a tragedy.

We must be willing to let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the life that is waiting for us.” – Joseph Campbell



Another sign that Spring is here, baby animals!



I am not sure what these thistles are really, but we call them porcupine eggs.







Soccer season is here! There are few things I love more than watching my Little Man play soccer. He really enjoys it and I love cheering for him and the rest of his team.



Thank you for letting me share my corner of the world with you. Seeing Spring through your eyes makes it all brand new.

Sabbath Musings

Very slowly getting back into my "old" busy life. It has been a strange experience. I told someone recently, that was like my life was a table. Filled from edge to edge with so many things. Some things I LOVE to do, like being with my grand babies and making Sunday dinner for my family. Some of the things that fill my table aren't as enjoyable, like taking Little Man in for blood draws and housework. But my table was full. One day a giant came along, swung their arm out and swiped everything off the table. Suddenly it was empty! There was nothing to do, no where to go. My days were "filled" with naps, dr appts for myself and nothing else. Bizarre to say the least.
As I am feeling better and better, I add things in, going to the store, doing laundry, Little Man's cares, housework, and of course, spending time with my precious grand daughters. I have an occasional off day. Friday and yesterday I was tired and headachy. So I took it easy. But I feel so very much better than I did 6 weeks ago.
So I am guessing the majority of you know that my precious Pygmy Child is due with my grandson who will be called Tigger on the blog, in April.



As every mom does, when my oldest was born, I dreamed of all of her firsts, proms, graduations, weddings and of course, babies.
As a retired midwife, childbirth is a big deal in my little world. I have had the honor to attend hundreds of women and the fathers of babies as they welcomed a precious new soul into their family. I have never gotten over the wonder and the miracle of the moment that new baby enters into this world. Everything changes. Childbirth changes you. And while I know that not every woman will receive the gift of giving birth themselves, (they have other miracles in store for them) that does not make the wonderment of childbirth any less precious or wonderful.
Of course I was going to attend my oldest daughter's childbirth! So many asked me if I was the midwife, but I said no. I don't want to midwife my grand babies. When I am in baby catcher mode, I have to stay in my higher functioning mind, and my thoughts are not generally about the miracle, but more along the lines..."is she bleeding too much? What is the baby's APGAR? Is the placenta ready? How do the baby's lungs sound?" Only as a helper, would I be able to fully enjoy supporting my daughter and her husband in the birthing process and then to give myself total permission to immerse myself in the wonder of my new grandson.
I have known for a while, but I haven't been able to bring myself to share my bad news with the world in general, because it hurt so much. My doctor told me I would not be healthy enough to travel until May or June. AFTER my grandson is due. I cried a thousand tears over it. It broke my heart. I waited to cry until after I told my daughter the bad news, and I made her promise not to cry.
I woke up the next morning, so sad and heavy of heart, to this email from her....

Mom, please don't be sad. I know you really wanted to come and of course I wanted you here too but I cannot feel regret after almost losing you. Remember you have already given me all the tools I need to bring Tigger into this world. Through your example I've learned to trust my body, believe in my power to give birth, and rely on my maternal instincts. I have recieved these gifts at your side over the years and although you will not be with physically, your essence, your love and encouragment are already a part of me. Thank you for teaching me and showing me this path less traveled. I know the Lord's hand is in this. I am not disappointed with the way things are going. I know He is guiding our paths to give us each exactly what we need. The scripture Proverbs 3:5-6 comes to mind: Trust in the Lord with all thine bheart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths.
I love you mom. I am so grateful you are healing and that I will see you sooner rather than later. Love, Pygmy Child & Tigger.

Precious words, what mom would not feel lifted when they received a letter like that from her daughter? Balm for my hurting heart.
I read them again and again, so I can be comforted and know I am with her, even though I am far away in a physical sense. No distance in the universe could keep us apart, our love binds us. I am blessed.
This journey has been far from easy, but I am learning so much and every day, I am grateful I am still here, and getting better.

Happy Birthday

to me!
Sharing my birthday with Easter this year leaves me keenly aware of how very blessed I am to celebrate today. With the promise of spring and eternal life, I am just so grateful to still be on the planet. All my grand babies are coming over tonight for my birthday, who could ask for a better present?

Can You Believe It?

A Mountain Monday post!
Pictures first, then I will tell you what is going on.

I was already writing an obituary in my head for Ms. Tenacious. I wasn't expecting to see her again, after the last three months or so. But guess what? She is still hanging in there. Wow. What spirit she has.




Spring is here in fits and starts as is usual for a Utah spring. There is still a lot of snow on the mountains.







I love the contrast of the snow and the dark rocks and trees.



If you look close enough, you can find a promise of the Spring to come, here and there.




Junebug, can you believe she will be THREE in June?


Sweet Squid, she has the most beautiful eyes.



All the girlies love their Pop-Pop!



Buttercup will be 10 months old this next week. Her eyes are still blue, much to our delight. Her mommy, BB, spiked her hair just for me!



The Pea. Remember the unadulterated joy of childhood? She is four and half and just a hoot. She announced to her mommy and me that she will be attending "killer garden" in the fall! We laughed, she got offended.




My own personal spring has arrived. Last week, it was the strangest thing. I have been slowly getting better, but was still very tired, very brain fuzzy, (which I hate)lots of headaches, and in general just feeling not great. I was taken off my daytime O2 on the 18th. I am guessing a lot of the yuckiness was coming from trying to adjust to being on blood thinners since other folks complain about the same things. But on Sat the 20th, I woke up and felt good! Brain fuzz gone, energy up, I felt so good it was weird! Every day since then has been pretty darn wonderful. I just feel better. I guess my body adjusted. Whatever, it is great to feel better.
Being sick takes a lot of energy. I had no energy to blog, (in case you hadn't noticed) not enough energy to have my grandbabies by myself, I wasn't even reading much. I didn't even THINK about my camera, much less pick it up. It has been months since I touched it. I knew I was starting to recover when I began to think about my camera again. Now, I have enough energy to be with the grandbabies AND take pictures. It is wonderful.

Do not watch the video without a generous slathering of Cute screen on, because the cuteness is at lethal levels!



I have been hitting the gym in our apartments. Now don't get too excited, I am using the gym because I can keep an eye on my heartrate there, whereas, if I am out walking, I can't. I don't dare stress my heart. I picked up some of my records from the hospital and I was horrified at some of labs and tests. Besides being horribly anemic, I found out I was in moderate heart failure the day I went to the ER. My BNP was 621! I am actually glad we didn't know then, being told I might die was plenty to handle at the time.
I am up to 30 minutes on the treadmill and as long as I keep my heart rate in the mid 130's, I get a workout, but I don't overdo it. The first day I did it, I pushed myself too far and almost passed out. But I can be taught, I won't do that again!

I am praying the good days continue, I love feeling better, and it makes Spring that much more precious to me this year. As if the whole world is coming alive, just for me. Thank you for all your kindness, your emails,visits, phone calls, prayers, meals, flowers, cards, good thoughts and love. If you meant to make me feel loved and cherished, you did a good job!

Sabbath Musings

On Death and Dying...

But before I get to that, I am alive and doing well. My doctor said I am recovering quickly, considering how bad off I was. I am still on oxygen, but able to do more, walking quicker, and Bald Man is happy that I am helping with Little Man again. I am back to being the designated butt wiper, much to Little Man and Bald Man's delight, and my un-delight.
I get out a few times a week, mostly for dr appts, and sometimes to the store. I stick my O2 tank in that little cart and ride around. That pretty much tires me out and I come home and take a nap. I haven't ever really been this sick before, so it is a new experience, and boy do I have to be mindful of my physical self. I want to stretch myself every day, but not go so far that I am debilitated. It is a harder thing to balance than you would imagine. For the most part I feel fine, until I don't. But I am working on it.

So, back to the serious stuff.
In the ER, when they told me that this might actually kill me, I would be lying if I didn't say I was scared. I was SCARED.
Our beliefs about death come from many different places. Our family's beliefs, our religion, and our culture. The three things that have shaped my beliefs about death are being raised a Catholic, being Lakota, and being LDS (Mormon). All three of these belief systems believe in life after death, and for the Lakota, and the LDS, a circular belief of time, of always being and always been.
It is interesting to me, to note what went through my mind, as I contemplated my exit from this life. There were no regrets, nothing I felt that I needed to do, or anything that was undone. I felt at peace with my relationship with my husband, and an assurance that we were NOT done, and our relationship would continue on into forever.
I would have guessed, if you had asked me, I would have some serious misgivings about leaving my Little Man, who is so dependent on me. But you know what? I didn't! I felt in the deepest part of myself, I knew he would be okay, more okay than most. That was a big surprise.
What I felt most of all, is I wasn't done. I wasn't done loving my family. Was not done holding my grandbabies, laughing and loving them. That was all, just a sense that I couldn't leave before my grandson was born in April, before I got to hold him. No regrets, no wishing I had done more. I just wanted more of what I do, love my family. That was really reassuring, to know I really am at peace with my life and my choices. Of all the things I have done, or dreamed of doing, when it came down to the very essence of life, all that mattered was the love.
I knew I would see everyone I loved again, and I was at peace with that.

The first night, (I didn't know this until just two days ago, I was in the cardiac ICU. Ahem, kind of glad I didn't know!)in the hospital, I had a tremendous experience. At the time, I didn't understand completely what was going on, but looking back, I realize it was a near death experience, I was not completely in this world, but not in the next either. Straddling life and death as it were.
While I lay there in the bed, in the dark, I was very far away from my physical experience. I wasn't in any pain, and I really couldn't feel all that much.
What I did feel was incredible. I was at peace. Complete peace. I felt cradled and held. I could actually FEEL the prayers and good thoughts upholding me. It was transcendent. To feel wrapped in love and peace. I don't even know if I can explain it, because there was no mind chatter, no negative thoughts, no fear, just a sense of incredible love and peace. I hope I never forget how it felt, because it is something I want to hold close to my heart for the rest of my life.
I was awake most of the night, and as the night progressed, I become more and more aware of my physical self. By morning, I was very firmly back in my body, I was completely sick and miserable. The day that followed was really awful, I was in pain, and I was very tired, and I was really, really, really sick. Too sick to read or watch TV or do anything except lay there. I was very disappointed at the loss of the peace and love, I guess some part of me was expecting that experience to last. Sadly, it didn't. But because of the misery, it points out how very incredible the night before was. I am grateful. Love, love is everything. Go hug the people you love and tell them.

Stripped

I am a baby. Not the wah-wah whiny kind, (although I have my moments, ask my long suffering Bald Man!)
I am nothing but the most essential me. I eat, I breathe, I am my most primordial self, physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually.
I can not care for myself physically , I am dependent and needy. Without extra care, I would not survive. Like any baby, right here, right now is all that matters. I manage what is in front of me, I have no extra energy for worry about tomorrow, or yesterday. Present.
I reach, to stretch, to walk just a few more steps today than I did yesterday. Whether I succeed or not, there is no negative self talk, now, just is. Success is in the doing. Be
Breathing is primal, when every breath I took for more than a week was fought for, I can not take my air for granted now. I am aware, multiple times a day of the air moving through my nose, down my throat, expanding into my lungs. I can feel it, whether deep or shallow. Each one, precious.
I am in love with my oxygen, what relief, what sweet peace it brings to breathe and to have breath. And when I have to work at it, how careful I am, to draw each one in, purposefully, with intent, to give to myself what I crave. Air.
Emotionally, I am laid bare. I have no extra energy to be embarrassed about my vulnerability. Normally I would rather die than cry in front of someone, as if my soul were naked. But now? If I feel like crying, I do, even if it exposes the core of me.
Spiritually, I am deeply aware of God's grace. My every breath is grace. Each day a gift.
I am grateful beyond words for the kindness and love shown to me. I am cherished, cradled, carried.
I accept, I love, I breathe. I am just, just me.

There is no place like home

Blogging from the couch. I am hooked up to one of these:O2 concentrator so I am breathing easy. Right now I am gathering up my courage to go take a shower. It just really kind of flattens me, so I have to be prepared.
On the road to recovery. Considering how I felt last week and how very dang close I came to exiting this existence, what can I be anything but grateful?
Everyone has been so very kind. Flowers and visits and chocolate and phone calls and get well cards and dinners. If I ever wondered if I am loved, I can never wonder again. I have been cradled in prayers, love and caring. While the rest of this hasn't been much fun, that part, that part is most precious. Thank you.