Friday, June 02, 2006

Cloud Break

Yesterday. The morning was filled with trauma and upsettingness. ( I know it isn't a real word, but I mean what it says) Confirming the mass in my child's brain. While he is under the impression he is almost a grownup, he will never understand or know, he is still just my little boy. All I want to do is curl up with him and pretend that none of this is happening. How I wish mommy's magical kisses could make this boo-boo disappear.
The downside to being an incredible internet searcher, (my friends in school always ask me to find the stuff they need because I can find it quick and find lots about it) is that I now know WAY more than I wanted to about what is going on with JJ and his mass. Even if it is "just" a subarachnoid cyst, the fact it didn't show up on his first MRI at age one means it has grown. Things growing in your posterior fossa are bad because there just isn't a lot of room in the back of your head. While I had hoped for some easy answers, the brain is still a very unexplored space and there will be no quick, easy or even definitive answers for now. More tests, more doctors. The neurologist on mon.
Enough about that, I am sure I will be writing plenty more about that in the weeks to come.
An Aside: Just so you peeps don't think I am some sort of a drug addict, I didn't steal any of Little Man's Ativan yesterday. In fact I had never taken Ativan before in my life, but honey, I needed it the other day. Grateful it was there, saved me a trip to the doctor's office to get some of my own.
The afternoon came and I was still very teary and upset, we signed the final papers on the house and closing day is supposed to be today. But the house is NOT finished being packed. Tell me how we are supposed to do that? Even with help, I could tell this was not going to be happen'n.
Bald Man and I are slowly working out the money issues and honestly folks if money was the only reason I stayed, we would have been divorced many years ago. Yesterday and today things are tender and tentative, but we are talking and trying to find a way to bridge past the hurt.
We had to go hunt for apartments. The problem is the apt we LOVE and want, won't be ready to move into until the 12th of June. Bald man called the real estate agent and even though I thought there was no way the buyers would agree to it, they took pity on us and our horrible circumstances and they said we could wait til the 13th to vacate. What a kind, wonderful, giving thing to do. I am flabbergasted by their willingness to inconvenience their lives for our sake. I feel like someone took the weight of the world off my shoulders.
Then I got home and checked my email. R, you know who you are and what you did and more than the gift, the kindness and caring behind it means the world to me.
Add to these two incredible gifts, my day being punctuated by calls of concern and caring for our family and my friend dropping by with her two kids to help us pack, my two oldest packing and running errands for us, my email and blog had many messages of prayer and love, the sun finally is shining again.
When the bleakness is so oppressive and formless, there is no way to know how much of it belongs to which part of my current unhappy status. But with the cloud break, I understand that some of what I was feeling had to do with not having a place to live and feeling like there was no way humanly possible to do what was being asked of us. Part of the weight is off and for now, I feel like I can do this. I was starting to wonder.

3 Kids Who Want To Play:

Jenny said...

I want to say something profound or do something for you or shout at the world on your behalf. Instead I will bear witness and cheer for you in my heart.

Granny said...

I'd rant at the unfairness of it all but it would solve nothing.

Hang in there dear Jo.

ipodmomma said...

much love is directed at you all... let it wash over in waves..

thinking so much for JJ, you, Bald Man... sorry the movie didn't work out! that was odd...