Thursday, January 15, 2009

All About The Boy

His abscess is looking great! As in healing, not as in the sarcastic *great*. And he hasn't reacted to the sulfa drugs, so today, we are drawing huge sighs of relief. He is allergic to the penicillin family so we were concerned about the sulfa, since the other allergy increases the risk of reacting to sulfa drugs. But today, dawning bright and new, things are looking pretty good. Except we have ANOTHER dr appt at Sick Kids R Us, near the giant stinky lake filled with sea monkeys. This time with neurology.
On my mind today, much, much, more than the dr appt is the boy's birth family. By a weird set of circumstances, they have found us.
Adoption is very convoluted and never without many tangled and difficult feelings for every side of the triad. Not for the boy in this case, because he does not understand he is adopted. We have never made it a secret that he was adopted, thinking when he was small, that we wanted him comfortable with his origins. Little did we know that his low IQ would keep him from understanding very much at all. He insists that he grew in my tummy and when I tell him he didn't, he, being quite oppositional, always argues he did.
In a state adoption, because the child is removed, generally for some very good reasons, you are left with some uncomfortable and undeniable facts. Like drugs, domestic violence, neglect and abuse.
Little Man's birth mother is dead. She was a sad victim of all that is wrong in our society and her life and death were tragic. Her life choices of drugs left our son with a legacy of abuse that will last his whole life.
Our boy has an older sister who very much wants to see him. She is with her extended birth family. His little brother(s) are pretty much lost to us, fostered and adopted out into a system with too many secrets, and I don't think we will find them. His little sister, we have the potential of finding, but she is still very young, and in the custody of her birth father.
I am not concerned at all about Little Man's reactions in this. He will be fine. We have a HUGE family and he is very used to meeting cousins, aunts and uncles he had no idea existed. I am worried about them.
How will they deal with all his disabilities? Will they be angry or upset? Will they understand? What about all their feelings for the loss of his mother? Are they going to be upset that he doesn't understand who they are? I am just so not interested in any drama. But I can not deny them their connection to our son, and their desperate wanting to see him. We will deal with it the best we can.
I don't want to meet them at the house, I want to set up the first meeting some place fairly neutral. And then we will see how it goes. I just can't stop thinking about it.
Whoever said adoption is the easy way had NO idea what they were talking about.

12 Kids Who Want To Play:

Jillene said...

I think that meeting in a neutral place is a good idea Jo. You know what is best for little man and you are such a good mamma!!

CaJoh said...

So glad Little Man is on the mends.

My mother-in-law was allergic to penicillin and always had to inform the doctors of such whenever she went into the hospital.

Bonnie the Boss said...

Wow! What a huge challenge! I know you will make the bet decision and their lives will be blessed for know him.

Lisa said...

I do not envy you this situation.

Can you set up some boundaries ahead of time? Give them a heads up before meeting so the shock will not be so distracting?

Just thinking out loud....

Torina said...

So glad Little Man is doing better!

Adoption is so complicated. Tara has a hard time understanding it completely, too. Even though we adopted her at age 11, she still cries and wonders why she can't be with her birth mom (this is recent and I actually consider it a good sign that she is recovering from her RAD) and no amount of 'splainin makes it any better. And the thing is, she remembers what happened, when her mom left, all the bad stuff and it STILL doesn't make sense to her.

As for the disabilities, most people don't get it. Good luck. You have a tough experience awaiting you...

K J and the kids said...

That's tough. I have a feeling several of the other children will siffer from some of the same affects that little man is dealing with ? don't you think ?
Remember. You are his family. End of story.

Mongoose said...

Gosh, yeah, that's a potential burden. I hope no drama comes of it. And I was gonna say the same thing K J said: his siblings might not be as affected as he is, but I would expect his siblings by the same birth mother to have their own disabilities as well. Maybe not the same ones, maybe not to the same extent, but still. So actually, maybe this could give you an opportunity to connect with some people who are coping with difficulties for the same reason you are, and maybe that will actually be a help for you rather than a drama.

Other than that, I haven't commented in a long time, I think, so I just wanted to say that I'm still here and I still love reading your blog and looking at your beautiful photos. I just haven't felt as talkative lately.

Jami said...

Wow. That's a head-ful! I don't think I'd be able to sleep with all of that potential drama on the horizon. I am constantly amazed at how kind you are, at how much you think about other people. I hope it all turns out as well as it can.

Debbie said...

Saw a comment you left on another blog and came over. You are fascinating. I want to read more about your life and how you got to where you are now.

Holly said...

Glad little man is doing better and there were not reactions to the medication and no stay at club med required. Hope this week is free from appointments for Little Man.

Lana said...

How blessed he is to have such a loving, caring and understanding mommy like you! If it were otherwise, you wouldn't care about what your son's birth family thinks. But you DO care. ☺

People actually say adoption is the easy way??? Seriously?

6p00e55218ae048834 said...

They probably have heard, or suspect, that Little Man has some disabilities. If they're smart, they'll love him the way he is. If not... their loss, right?
Is there anyone who might be able to go with you and help facilitate it, like a counselor or someone maybe???