Sunday, April 11, 2010

Sabbath Musings

Very slowly getting back into my "old" busy life. It has been a strange experience. I told someone recently, that was like my life was a table. Filled from edge to edge with so many things. Some things I LOVE to do, like being with my grand babies and making Sunday dinner for my family. Some of the things that fill my table aren't as enjoyable, like taking Little Man in for blood draws and housework. But my table was full. One day a giant came along, swung their arm out and swiped everything off the table. Suddenly it was empty! There was nothing to do, no where to go. My days were "filled" with naps, dr appts for myself and nothing else. Bizarre to say the least.
As I am feeling better and better, I add things in, going to the store, doing laundry, Little Man's cares, housework, and of course, spending time with my precious grand daughters. I have an occasional off day. Friday and yesterday I was tired and headachy. So I took it easy. But I feel so very much better than I did 6 weeks ago.
So I am guessing the majority of you know that my precious Pygmy Child is due with my grandson who will be called Tigger on the blog, in April.

As every mom does, when my oldest was born, I dreamed of all of her firsts, proms, graduations, weddings and of course, babies.
As a retired midwife, childbirth is a big deal in my little world. I have had the honor to attend hundreds of women and the fathers of babies as they welcomed a precious new soul into their family. I have never gotten over the wonder and the miracle of the moment that new baby enters into this world. Everything changes. Childbirth changes you. And while I know that not every woman will receive the gift of giving birth themselves, (they have other miracles in store for them) that does not make the wonderment of childbirth any less precious or wonderful.
Of course I was going to attend my oldest daughter's childbirth! So many asked me if I was the midwife, but I said no. I don't want to midwife my grand babies. When I am in baby catcher mode, I have to stay in my higher functioning mind, and my thoughts are not generally about the miracle, but more along the lines..."is she bleeding too much? What is the baby's APGAR? Is the placenta ready? How do the baby's lungs sound?" Only as a helper, would I be able to fully enjoy supporting my daughter and her husband in the birthing process and then to give myself total permission to immerse myself in the wonder of my new grandson.
I have known for a while, but I haven't been able to bring myself to share my bad news with the world in general, because it hurt so much. My doctor told me I would not be healthy enough to travel until May or June. AFTER my grandson is due. I cried a thousand tears over it. It broke my heart. I waited to cry until after I told my daughter the bad news, and I made her promise not to cry.
I woke up the next morning, so sad and heavy of heart, to this email from her....

Mom, please don't be sad. I know you really wanted to come and of course I wanted you here too but I cannot feel regret after almost losing you. Remember you have already given me all the tools I need to bring Tigger into this world. Through your example I've learned to trust my body, believe in my power to give birth, and rely on my maternal instincts. I have recieved these gifts at your side over the years and although you will not be with physically, your essence, your love and encouragment are already a part of me. Thank you for teaching me and showing me this path less traveled. I know the Lord's hand is in this. I am not disappointed with the way things are going. I know He is guiding our paths to give us each exactly what we need. The scripture Proverbs 3:5-6 comes to mind: Trust in the Lord with all thine bheart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths.
I love you mom. I am so grateful you are healing and that I will see you sooner rather than later. Love, Pygmy Child & Tigger.

Precious words, what mom would not feel lifted when they received a letter like that from her daughter? Balm for my hurting heart.
I read them again and again, so I can be comforted and know I am with her, even though I am far away in a physical sense. No distance in the universe could keep us apart, our love binds us. I am blessed.
This journey has been far from easy, but I am learning so much and every day, I am grateful I am still here, and getting better.

13 Kids Who Want To Play:

Kristina P. said...

Congrats, and condolences! What sweet words from your daughter, though.

I don't think I would want my mom to be my midwife, actually. I think it would be weird.

Me (aka Danielle) said...

You have a very sweet daughter. You've raised her right! I can only imagine how hard this must be for you.

Mongoose said...

You know, if I ever gave birth, my mother would probably be the last person I'd want in the room. Actually when I thought I'd be having kids, I couldn't even face the thought of having to tell my parents and having them involved in my pregnancy in any way.

Of course that's probably most of why I'm single and I'll never have kids, too.

All that to say, you're more blessed than you even know.


Kristine said...

Beautiful! What a daughter to be proud of!

I'm so happy to hear you are feeling better! I've been absent from my blog reader as well and I apologize! Thank you for checking in on my blog!

K J and the kids said...

What a great letter. It sounds like you've done a great job.
Can't wait to see pictures of the little tigger.

Suburban Correspondent said...

What a beautiful letter from your daughter! You are very blessed indeed.

I am so glad you are on the mend. I had lost track of you and hadn't realized how ill you were. I'm glad you got to stick around here a while longer to love your babies and grandbabies!

Lee said...

Beautiful letter, beautiful picture and all the more blessed because although you can't be there at the birthing, you *will* be there in the life of this new grandbaby. Keep taking good care of yourself; glad to hear you are doing so very much better.

elizasmom said...

Yay, awesome Pygmy Child!

I'm sorry you will not be able to be there in body, but what a beautiful way for her to set your mind at ease about that.

Glad you are feeling better, too.

FosterAbba said...

I am sorry you won't be able to be with your daughter for the birth of your grandson, but I congratulate you on having such a wonderful daughter.

Just SO said...

It sounds like you have done an wonderful job in raising a smart, beautiful daughter. I'm sad that you won't be there for the birth but, like your daughter I am are still here. What a blessing.

The Crash Test Dummy said...

Oh, I know you! I have seen that cute little girl profile pic around. It was so nice to meet you too. You are memorable. That was a lovely post. I'm behind though. Are you alright? Did you get sick?

I love that you were a midwife. I always wanted to be too. I love your expressions. It reminds me of all those I loved in Polynesia. Mahalo for that.

Jessica G. said...

She's such a great person because she had such a great mom!

Jami said...

Oh Jo! What a roller-coaster. So happy that you are feeling better. Pleased that you can do many of the daily things you once did easily. Thrilled that you could be doula for your Pygmy Child. Heartbroken that you can't. Weepy that she loves you so much and sent you such a healing note. Whew. And I just read the synopsis. You must be so tender right now. My love and prayers are with you, dear.