Father's Day

(This picture was taken on the day Little Man was given to us)

I was blessed with an amazing parent. One who taught me how to use power tools, how to change the tires and oil in the car, how to be strong, even when I was scared, how to be unmoved in the face of force. My parent coached my softball team, drove me to play practice, and taught me to mow the yard. Took me camping, showed me how to burn off the mantles in the propane lamp, and start and put out fires.
I was the luckiest girl in the world, because my mom was the best "dad".
As I grew older and thought about marriage, I wanted the same kind of dad for my kids. I married a man who melts when he holds a baby, who sang endless rounds of "I've Been Working on the Railroad to colicy babies, took us all camping, and went to every single one of the kid's plays, concerts, wrestling matches, track meets, and scout things. He talks baby talk to our dog, he gives horsey rides to the grand babies, just as he did for our kids.
When our oldest got married, I told her that her fiance reminded me a great deal of her father, who everyone, including myself calls him a good man. My daughter told me she thought she was very lucky, because she thought I got the last one. Highest praises, well deserved.
I married a good man, who became a wonderful father, and has ripened into a beloved Pop Pop to his grand children.

Too Much To Say

Too much to say and not enough time or good internet connection to say it.
I am breathing that baby in, every.single.day. All frog curled on my chest, breathing in the wonderment and awe that is new baby. Never get enough of it.
Got to go to the ocean, a WARM ocean. Wow. It filled my soul in a way I have a hard time expressing.
Taking LOTS of pictures that will have to wait for a better internet to be put up. It is LUSH here, besides the beautiful baby.
Little Man is doing really decent right now and I am soooo grateful.
Practicing being totally present so I don't waste a single moment not being HERE, where I am, right now. Gotta fill up, cause it is going to have to last until Christmas.
It is so dang hot and humid here, it is like getting hit in the face with a hot wet towel when you walk outside. I had no idea. none. do now.
My sweet girl is the best mommy ever. Tigger couldn't have picked a better mom. I am so proud of her I could bust. She is having a very tough time and dang, my girl is a WARRIOR!
Peace. Love. Sweet. Precious. Here.

Better

Little Man is doing better than he was. I am less worried and so it is less difficult to be present here, where I am, right now.
I am filled with gratitude for the good people in my life. For my husband and his willingness to stick this out so I can stay here with my girl, for friends who pray and send good thoughts our way, for our respite providers who were so willing on short notice to make this all happen.
I love my boy, more than I can say, this has been SOOOO hard on me, but I am working on being zen about it and being present.
thank you. thank you.
Jo

Short

My daughter and son in law's internet sucks. I have to keep this short and I don't have any pictures, cause they take too long to upload.
Things are wonderful and terrible.
I am loving being with my sweet girl and her precious boy, and watching him smile and coo just kills me every.single.time. She is happier with me here and that makes me happy.
The terrible: Little Man is having a VERY hard time with me gone and has been scary aggressive with his respite worker. I feel so torn about needing to be here and there at the same time.
For right now, Bald man says things are okay, and to stay, so I am working on being totally present, every minute with my beloved Pygmy Child and Tigger.
Prayers and good thoughts would be greatly appreciated.

Here

I am here. Happily holding my Tigger. I will post pictures later. We were able scramble together some short term help with the assistance of JJ, while we continue to look for some help for the summer. STRESS.
But for now, Little Man is okay, Bald Man is okay, I am more than okay, as I drink in the newness and awesomeness of my new grandson.
Thank you for your support and love. It is so appreciated.

The Abyss

Crazy week and it got crazier. I have been wanting to show off my pictures and stories from the Casual Bloggers Conference, but instead, I am crawling here to share my hurt.
It is a long story, but to keep it short, Little Man is in an after school program. It is a therapeutic program for people with disabilities. They also run the summer program he attended the last three summers.
We have heard nothing but how great he is doing, with an occasional off day. How much they love him, etc.
We got called yesterday to come pick him up early, he was losing it. As we interrupted our Buttercup's first birthday party to handle this, we were told he was no longer welcome in the program.
I was told that maybe we need to put him on more meds, since whatever he is on, isn't helping with his behaviors.
I was told that 3 parents had said that their children would not be going to the summer program if Little Man attended.
I was told that they had staff complaining and threatening to quit because of my boy.
Why all of a sudden? Why hadn't they talked to us? I can't believe it is happening, particularly on the brink of my leaving!
Last night I was angry, confused, hurt and ultimately just plain heartbroken.
I feel like I am standing on the edge of an abyss. Is this the beginning of the end? Is he going to become so violent and out of control that we can't take care of him? How am I supposed to deal with this?
First I scrambled to find something for him for while I am gone, so Bald Man can work, and then I cried and cried.
I woke up this morning, and the grief hit me first, then the realization of what we are facing.
I asked my husband if he was emotionally hungover and he said when he woke up, he wondered why he felt so sad. It feels like someone had died. We are mourning. Not bodily death, but death of hope and dreams.
I love this boy, more than I can tell you. He is my miracle child, he is my heart, and yet, the pain is lingering underneath a huge question mark for the future.

P.S. Legally we have 30 days where they have to take him. I don't know about you, but I can not send my vulnerable child, who can not defend himself, to where he might be mistreated. Not physically, but if they were to be unkind and impatient with him, it would be harmful to him. We have made some short terms arrangements, and his Waiver Case Manager is helping us look for something else.