Sunday, May 03, 2009

Hard Things

Today, in a few quiet moments, Bald Man and I lay together, spooning in the bed. I was reading, he was watching TV. My husband kind of twitched and I wiggled a bit and said, "what are you doing, having a seizure?"
My husband, thinking he was being funny, began a rhythmic jerking. What wasn't funny was how my gut clenched and my heart quickened. I said sharply, "don't do that! That was scary!"
Still thinking he was funny, Bald Man made some comment, I don't remember.
I said "do you want to know how that feels? Let me show you!" and I began to make rhythmic, jerky movements of my limbs. My husband said quietly, "don't do that".
Funny, not funny ha ha, but funny strange and deeply sad, is how visceral the reaction was. How deeply my body remembers, how my heart breaks when I feel the brain storm overtaking my son's body. When the movements spasm against my side and I stiffen in response, and my heart cries out in frustration.
Seizures. My nemisis, my enemy.

12 Kids Who Want To Play:

Kristina P. said...

What a thoughtful post, Jo.

Lady of Perpetual Chaos said...

Oh, Jo, I'm so sorry.

Whitney R said...

I'm sorry you have to live with that fear.

But I am happy you and your hubs were spooning :)

Jami said...

I love you! I hope you got to spoon some more.

K J and the kids said...

I have to tell you that my heart was racing because I thought something was really going to be wrong with bald man.
So I have to say....GLAD HE IS OK.

I'm sorry that you have to live with this fear. Waiting for the next one to come. Feeling helpless.

Me said...

You are such a strong woman! I admire you!

Sarah said...

Jo this made me cry for you!

Motherboard said...

That was beautiful.

And oddly, I find myself jealous. Your husband will spoon you?? ;>)

SO said...

Oh goodness. I'm so sorry you have to deal with those. Did you get my email?

Soxy Deb said...

Oh Jo. {{HUGS}}

rychelle said...

that has to be so scary.

love to you.

Amber said...

Scary! I'm glad nothing was really wrong though.