Monday, July 10, 2006

What I Can't Do

This time of year, (Little Man's birthday) always leaves me a bit beat up emotionally. I am forced to face the fact that love does not heal everything and in spite of the fact that I love my Little Man passionately, there are many things I can not fix.
I can not give my Little Man a normal childhood. I can not go back and love this tiny baby, abandoned at eight hours and left alone in a dark corner of the hospital nursery because his little body was wracked with the effects of drug withdrawal. He would be 3 1/2 months old when he came to us, and I have no way of knowing or doing anything about what happened to him before he came to us. I can not fix his congnitive, mental and physical deficits, no matter how much I love him. I can not make him enjoy going places with us,to the store, camping, amusement parks. I can not make up for his autism and social problems, or make other kids like him. I can not promise him one day he will grow up, drive a car, have a job or ever go to college.
I can not give him his birth mother, the one, who in a perfect world should have been able to raise our son. I can not give him back all his other brothers and sisters, now scattered to the wind, like leaves in the fall, swirling away, to disappear and never be seen again. Now I can't even dream of him ever knowing her someday, the way we wanted, when she was able to be functional enough. She is gone, her life cut short by a bullet, not even 30 years old. Now all those dreams died and need to be buried too. But this time of year always leaves me wishing so hard that things could have been different. I used to think his birth mother would cry on his birthday, for missing him and I would cry for her loss. This year I will cry for him instead, for all I can't do.

7 Kids Who Want To Play:

Granny said...

I almost know what you mean although the girls do know their parents.

There is so much I can't do either.

Cry - I may just cry with you.

Jenny said...

But his family is so big and his brothers and sisters are so close and he knows his mother well, she is the who rejoices on his birthdays and all the things he doesn't have and will never have are only as sad as we let them be.

Hope his birthday is everything he wants it to be and then just a little pinch of what he didn't even know he wanted.

Jo said...

Thanks Jenny for reminding me he has a BIG family and is loved oodles and oodles every day.

Pygmalion's Wife said...

Wow. Damn. How did you find out about his birth mother? Did this JUST happen? And I'm with Jenny--Little Man has a lot more going for him (hell, he's got YOU) than a lot of "normal" kids do. Which isn't to say that we don't always grieve over the things we can't give our kids (hell, I had a good cry today myself when Grub got his tooth, because I thought "if he wasn't allergic to breast milk and every other fricking thing under the sun and on a G-tube, I might have found out about it even sooner because I'd've been nursing him")(and yes, I know, PATHETIC). But then when you consider how much worse it could have been (if Little Man had been one of those "dumpster babies" you sometimes hear about or Grub had been exactly as he is ten years ago before they invented The Miraculous Formula That Costs As Much As a Mortgage But Is Worth Every Penny)...there are more reasons NOT to cry is all I'm saying. Not that it'll stop ME for one...

ipodmomma said...

sometimes it's hard when we look at one we love and there are swirling questions all around...

but Little Man has a family, all of you, who love him so. and he, and you all, are in God's loving hands...

happy birthday to Little Man!

CaerLiveSound said...

Oh my god, Jo, that's so heartbreaking I can't even begin to understand.

sjusju said...

Thank you Jo for this beautiful post. Happy birthday to your Little Man. I love the way you say that you "share a son" with Little Man's birthmother and show such compassion and connection to her. It must be a difficult position to be in, but being human always helps. My mum is a birthmother to my older sister who was adopted out and we think about her so much, even though contact has broken off now sadly.