A Bitter Sweet Good Bye

Yesterday was our last day with feeding therapy. YAY! And yes, it also makes me sad. Which part do you want first? The part that makes me sad, or the part that makes me happy? Okay, happy first, then, sad.
I am so utterly thrilled that his feeding therapy is over. It has been very difficult. For Little Man and for us. He has been ugly before, during and after therapy. Pretty much wrecks the day. I have been bitten, hit, had a shoe thrown squarely and with surprising force at my chest. Let's not forget the scratching and spitting. With much drama we make our way to the car and then try to somehow make it through the evening with Little Man being perfectly hideous. It is awful, really awful. And it hasn't been helping him eat a bit.
So yesterday, his therapist threw in the towel. After she found out how unhappy it made him for the rest of the day, she said she really didn't think the price was worth it. She had hoped we could continue, and she had even hoped it could help him, but looking at the bigger picture, it is just not worth it. He is also quite old for this type of therapy and his habits are pretty ingrained.
But even though I am thrilled I no longer have to stagger through this self chosen torture, I am so sad. Sad that his behaviors are so bad that it makes taking him to this kind of therapy worthless. Sad that he is so driven by his demons, sad he doesn't eat and who knows what will happen from here. His weight is still hovering in the high 50's, low 60's and for now, it is great. But it isn't the life I dreamed for him, or for me as his mother. I struggle with forcing him through the most basic of daily cares. Showering, brushing his teeth, getting dressed and oh my gosh, going poop, my daily nemesis. I am so tired of dealing with the soiled underwear, every day, most days at least twice and the weekends are beyond counting.
So many normal people see children and people with cognitive delays as happy, loving people. Yeah, right. Little Man is an angry and often mean cognitively delayed person. It is just hard right now, he isn't sleeping well, and his behavior seems to be going downhill too. We will just hang on and see where we end up. For now, the weekly torture of feeding therapy is over and that is a good thing.