Saturday, May 27, 2006

Limbo

Not limbo the game, but limbo as in the state of between-ness.
Yesterday changed everything. We are currently freefalling, unsure as to where we will end up landing. We are moving, that part I know, because our house is sold and by Thursday or Friday the closing will happen and we need to be out of our current house. Whether we are moving to MO is what is in question as this moment.
The day before yesterday, JJ, (age 16) fell and hit his head. I wasn't there to see it happen, but he ended up in ER to make sure everything is ok. Yesterday I received a call from the ER informing us while JJ's CT scan showed no damage from falling and hitting his head, it did show a "low density mass" which could be a cyst, (and awfully, the word she did not say, is tumor) and needs to be followed up with an MRI as soon as possible.
If this low density mass needs follow up, we need to stay in Utah. JJ's health insurance is tied to Utah, we will lose it as soon as we move. Plus, the thought of being so far from family if this becomes a crisis is not a comforting one.
I am not really good at worrying, in fact, sometimes when I am faced with my mother and sisters, who are Olympic class worriers, I wonder if I am the abnormal one. I have a tendency to "cross that bridge when I get there" and not fuss too much about what might happen.
But I am concerned and trying to figure out what we need to do. It seems as though I will not be able to get the MRI setup until Tues. (The person we need to arrange it with is gone for the weekend) And wouldn't you know it???? It is a stupid three day weekend. ARGH!
JJ has a complicated neurological history which began with a stroke that happened before he was even born. He was paralyzed on the right side of his body for much of his first year. He also had some seizures. Our doctors declared him a miracle child. His last testing and check up with his neuro when he was not quite two gave him a clean neurological bill of health. The doctor said it seems as though his brain had rerouted around the damage and there were no signs of anything left. (He had an MRI on his first birthday and there was NO "low density mass" present)
What is scary is that JJ might have had a seizure which caused him to hit his head. I didn't see it, but a neighbor did, and that is what they said. A few years ago, we were concerned that he could be having seizures and he went to the neuro and they did an EEG on him, (to check his brain waves). He didn't have any seizure activity show up on the EEG at that time, but now of course, I am questioning everything. Certainly the mass they found might not be related to any of this, but I find it impossible to disregard what happened to him years ago and not wonder if these things are somehow connected.
But even though I am not fussing and not freaking out, I woke up at 5:30 this morning and was unable to go back to sleep as I usually do. So here I am, at the computer, telling people I have never met in person, but consider my friends, our saga.
Part of being older, at least for me, has been the loss of blithe trust and short term hope. I have my faith, which is very comforting in the face of trials, but what my faith gives me is not things are going to be okay today, but in the Eternal Scheme, it will be more than okay. Somewhere along the line, I no longer think praying is a way to "make" God do what I want Him to do. Instead, praying is a way for me to express to God and myself what I think I need and want, and to begin to make peace and to find comfort in the now, even when things don't happen the way I want or think they should. It doesn't mean everything won't turn out the way I hoped, but I am braced for the possibility they might not. God's way is not mine, and I have given up on trying to figure it out.
Today will have to move on, we have a garage sale scheduled and Little Man has respite both today and tomorrow so we need to seriously get some stuff done.
But the move? That one is on hold until after the MRI is done and we know what the next step will be. I am hoping that it is something they can declare completely harmless and doesn't need to be followed up on. A part of myself understands that is unlikely, but it is a comforting thought.

5 Kids Who Want To Play:

Jenny said...

It's startling to think how fast things can change.

My brother had a brain tumor when he was 7, it was cancer. When they found it he was whisked off to surgery, while they opened his head a brain surgeon was in a helicopter on his was from another state. I was at school. We were all just living our lives when it happened. He’s 30 this year – after 19 years cancer free.

I hope you find some comfort in that JJ wasn’t whisked into surgery the day of.

I hugged Ella extra tight today thinking of you and yours.

ipodmomma said...

wow, that is quite a bit to get a handle on, but you sound pretty balanced, and our prayers are a lot like mine... :)))

thinkign of you all, and will be praying for JJ to come through clean and well.

and sending lots of love and (((hugs))) too...

Granny said...

You know you have my prayers, support, and love.

Ann

CaerLiveSound said...

Oh my goodness... you are a strong woman and my thoughts are with you! How scary... and at such a scary time... good luck to you and your family!

Pygmalion's Wife said...

Well. Since I don't pray, and since you aren't allowed to curse, I have taken up where you left off in this post and run through the list of Seven Forbidden Words, dropping the F-bomb, as you call it, twice for good measure. Heck, I even dropped the M-F-bomb, in case it helps.
I'm so sorry you're stuck in limbo. It is a lousy place to be. I'll be thinking of you all "weekend," and you know you'd better come and update us as soon as you find out what is going on!