Monday, June 30, 2008

Broken Dreams

I was telling my mom last night, that I was trying hard to find a balance. I wanted to have Little Man's eating experiment be a sign of good things to come, an indicator that he might indeed someday be able to eat on his own and be tube free. But I also didn't want to hold on to that hope so hard that I would be crushed if it never came to fruition. I wanted to be able to stay in gratitude that he is doing well, eating or not.
Today though, I weighed him. He is down four pounds. The whole thing is a bust. Even when I THOUGHT he was doing well with eating, he wasn't. The weight thing doesn't mean much, thank goodness he has plenty to lose now, and don't get me wrong, I am beyond grateful for that. Every single pound, every little jiggle and roll screams health and abundance to me. I love his current roundness, it feels like safety to me.
I promised myself I wouldn't cry. I lied. A broken dream is a hard thing to hold in your heart.
P.S. Look for a much more upbeat Mountain Monday post later today.

8 Kids Who Want To Play:

Deb said...

Oh Jo. I'm sorry. He may still surprise you yet. Keep the faith.

bon said...

You tell yourself to be careful, that it will be OK one way or the other... you tell yourself and you still hope. And it still hurts when it doesn't work out.


Mongoose said...

You're having distorted cognitions. :) Just because he's not making progress constantly on all dimensions, doesn't mean he isn't making progress overall, does it? It will come yet. Look how far he's come already.


K J and the kids said...

I'm so sorry Jo.
I really am just so sorry !

Maggie said...

I'm sorry, Jo. But I think mongoose may have it right. There's still hope there.

You're a mom who loves her son immensely and you want the absolute best for him. Even though you're realistic, of course it still hurts when things don't work quite as you had hoped. But keep on hoping and risking that hurt. Beautiful things can spring from hope if we just give them the time to take root.

FosterAbba said...

I'm sorry.

Holly said...

So sorry to hear about the weight loss. Hoping this too will pass and maybe little by little his eating will improve and sustain him a little more. So hard to protect you mommy mind from the heartbreak.

PeWee said...