Guilt and Other Feelings

I admit it! I am a BAD blogger! I haven't blogged, haven't been reading anyone else's blogs. I promised myself I wouldn't blog again until I touched base with my bloggy friends. I lied. But I do have good intentions if those count for anything.
The year from Aug 2009- Aug 2010 was beyond difficult. People trying to die, (my mom, twice,the boy, once myself once) people dying, (Our beloved Bright Star) Little Man losing his mind resulting in what I am now calling the Summer of My Discontent and our decision to move in hopes of getting the services our son needs.
The school thing was very difficult at first. They put our Little Man in a special classroom at a REGULAR Jr. High. Disastrous doesn't begin to describe the violence and incredible escalation of behavior. I had advocated for him to go to a school for the more handicapped, but the district said it was "too restrictive" and they couldn't legally move him until he failed his current placement. As a mother it was so hard to watch my boy lose his mind and know the adults in his life who were supposed to protect him, were instead failing miserably.
After fights about his emotional and medical needs and him getting sent home every day at 11, the district agreed he needed a different placement.
Sort of rough at first, but then...
Just as I found it difficult to express how incredibly hard things were for our boy and our little family, I find it challenging to describe how things are now.
School: I went to Little Man's IEP this morning. I was told he is charming, he is adorable, he is so smart, he is so helpful, he is kind, he sticks up for and helps the other students. He is funny, he is so functional, he is clever,he is one of the smartest kids in school, he is amazing, we LOVE him, he is a favorite, he makes us laugh.
I laughed with delight through the whole meeting and kept thinking, "are they talking about my son?" yes they were. My heart was singing! I walked out of the meeting on clouds with a big smile on my face.
His after school/behavioral program: Since it is behavioral therapy, and they are working on challenging and changing his dysfunctional behaviors, they have seen more problem behaviors. BUT, in spite of that, they LOVE him. He is NOT their hardest kid. He is doing well there, and best of all, he is happy to go. He is gone a LOT, but it gives Bald Man and I some time together in the evening which we hold precious. AND, neither the school nor his after school program will give up and call us to come get him just because he is being difficult.
Our neighborhood: Nothing prepared me for the joy I would feel when the doorbell rang and there was a child at the door, "can Little Man play?" No one has ever done that before. This amazingly normal question brought me to tears. Our neighbors are AWESOME! One of the moms on our street has a job working with people with disabilities and she has some great skills in weaving Little Man into mesh of the kids on our street. Not only is she good at it, she doesn't hesitate to coach the other children in including our boy in their play.
July had brought me to a place of feeling we were out of options for helping our son, and I felt as though I was staring at the end of a long hallway, and now I was at a dead end. After knocking on every door available, we had no answers and no help. I sobbed and prayed. With our decision to move, I found I was NOT at the end of a long hallway, stepping off into an abyss, instead, I was at a corner. Turning the corner and looking down the hallway, I found open doors! More than one! I found hope, I found knots to add to the end of my rope, I found a guardrail circling the abyss.
Little Man is doing awesome! His great behavior is carrying out to our home and we have seen a huge difference in him. He is happier, less oppositional and less difficult in general.
Like a little plant struggling to grow in a hostile environment, our son was battling to survive. Bringing the plant into a hothouse, giving it warmth, proper nourishment and shelter, the little plant grows and flourishes.
Our son is not just surviving anymore, he is thriving and blooming!
I will say that I am just a bit sad I was not able to provide my son with the support and structure that he so desperately needed. I think my boy was being pushed to his absolute limits in his ability to cope, every single day. Now he is no longer being pushed so hard every day, he has the room to grow.
Moving here was the best thing we ever could have done for Little Man and our family in general. My heart is filled with tremendous gratitude today, and every day.
Oh, by the way, the boy is so stable I was able to find a part time job in a local portrait studio. I LOVE my job, love what I am learning and I am keenly aware this wouldn't have been possible if we hadn't moved and changed things.
Thank you for hanging in there and for nagging politely requesting more information. Now that we are settling in, I am hoping to find my blogging mojo again. I miss it! Mwah to all of you!

Introducing....

The Tangled Family's newest addition!!!






He was born yesterday, to JJ, BB and Buttercup. (nope you aren't wrong if you are thinking Buttercup is a bit young to be a big sister, she turns 15 months in a few days!) He weighed 7lbs 13oz, 19 inches long. Mom is doing well, although very tired she says. I haven't gotten even a smidge enough time of snuggling yet. My cup overflowth with darling grandchildren, what can I say? I am blessed.

I need your help figuring out a blog name for him!

Popping In

Only have a moment, no internet yet at the house, we are at the library. Our new library has HUNDREDS of kids dvd's to borrow. Being a smart and desperate mama, I brought his DVD player along with my laptop to the library. We are both plugged in and very happy.
Settling in, should have internet soon. Boy starts school soon and I can't wait for that. For my blog peeps in the area, lets go do lunch or breakfast to celebrate school starting!!! Whoot!
Little Man, has surprised me with how well he is tolerating the move. He is over all doing VERY well, and I am very, very, grateful. We are taking the move as a opportunity to change some things in his routine that have been needing to change. Like NOT having 200 toys in the bathtub in the morning. (I wish I was kidding, I am not). Now we say, 10, you can only have 10 and because it is a new bathtub, he took the rule change really well. Whew.
I am grateful, happy, and enjoying the new adventure of being some place I haven't been before. Mwah!

Too Busy to Breathe!

We are all fine. Nothing major to report thank goodness! We are moving on Sat so I am packing like an insane person. Praying Little Man won't lose his sweet little mind over all the changes. No grandson yet, although BB continues to threaten to have the kid just about every day. He isn't due until Sept 6, so I am hoping he waits, because I am too busy already! I need some help thinking of a blog name for him, any suggestions?

Working on it

Desiderata
by Max Ehrmann

Go placidly amid the noise and the haste,
and remember what peace there may be in silence.
As far as possible, without surrender,
be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly, and listen to others,
even to the dull and ignorant;
they too have their story.

Avoid loud and aggressive persons;
they are vexatious to the spirit.
If you compare yourself with others,
you may become vain or bitter,
for always there will be
greater and lesser persons than yourself.

Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.
Keep interested in your own career
however humble;
it is a real possession in the
changing fortunes of time.

Exercise caution in your business affairs,
for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you
to what virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals,
and everywhere life is full of heroism.

Be yourself.
Especially do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love,
for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment,
it is as perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years,
gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit
to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.

Beyond a wholesome discipline,
be gentle with yourself.
You are a child of the universe
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.

And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.
Therefore, be at peace with God,
whatever you conceive Him to be.
And whatever your labors and aspirations,
in the noisy confusion of life,
keep peace in your soul.
With all its sham,
drudgery, and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful.
Strive to be happy.

Mountain Monday

First the fill in on the information, pictures to follow. So if you want to read the latest, it is next. If you only come for the pictures, then you can scroll down til you get there.
Little Man, Little Man. Tough times here at Casa De Tangled. Last Monday found me sobbing my heart out over everything that has gone on. My broken computer, my hurting heart, my lack of ability to cope with how difficult my son was being. We have no prospects of finding a program for the boy, well, maybe, and it is big maybe, one. I wondered what would happen. I wondered how long could I keep dealing with the level of difficulty and aggression we are at with our beloved boy.
My computer's dvd driver/reader is broken, but at least everything else works.
I was talking with Little Man's case manager, and I swear this just popped into my head while we were discussing our options. "if we lived in a more metropolitan area, would there be more service providers to choose from?" Surprised, she answered, well, yes, quite a few more. I called Bald Man and next thing you know, we are moving! Our lease is up here at the end of August, so we are leaving for a more populated area of Utah.
We have already found a program that seems to be the answer to a prayer for Little Man. We go interview them tomorrow. We are looking for a little house to rent, the boy really needs a yard to play in. We never meant to stay this apartment for so long. But at the same time, if we still owned our house, there is no way we could just pick up and leave like we are doing. Funny... I never thought I would be grateful we didn't own our house anymore, but I am.
I went from feeling totally helpless and trapped, to feeling like so many doors have been opened for us. Thank you so much for your prayers and good thoughts, I have no doubt they are contributing to our increased peace of mind.

Bad news: no summer program
Good news:His sat. respite person is picking up a couple of hours a day with Little Man so I can have a break.

Bad news: The days with the boy are LONG
Good news:his medication switch is finally working and the level of foulness of our home has gone down significantly.

Bad news: He has lost at least 10 pounds in the last 8 weeks, so we are back to having to tube feed him again at night.
Good news: He definitely has the extra weight to lose. He still has his tube and I am so grateful we can make up for what he isn't getting by eating. (I am struggling with not feeling crushed or that we have gone backward with his eating, this isn't an easy thing for me)
On to pictures! Summer is here, and it is hot and getting very dry.


Utah's summer snow, also known as cotton from the cottonwoods.


A thistle, even weeds can be beautiful.


I think this little bee is trying to do a headstand.



Mountains!






















And finally, he is smiling! I missed his smiles while he was in his dark place.



Big adventures in store for our little family.

Working on Gratitude

After a long cry last night, which I am sure I needed and some sleep, today was a bit better.
A friend of mine came over to give me a break with Little Man. She has training in working with kids with disabilities and aggression, so she was equipped to handle him, if not completely prepared for the level of violence he threw at her.
It was short, but meant the world to me. Really, truly an angel. Thank you Val!

My laptop is fixed! Some stuff had come loose in the fall to the floor and they were able to re seat it and it fired up just fine. There is some hard drive damage, but I won't know the full extent until I look at everything. But it works! Seriously, I stood there at the computer shop and thought, it is a miracle. Thank you God and the computer dude.

I have a call into his psychiatrist's office, waiting for a return call on that.

Danielle from An Eagles View asked if she could bring dinner tonight. While it isn't a necessary thing, we could scrounge something to eat, a sandwich etc. it means so much to have something cooked and yummy to eat. Thank you Danielle!

I am working hard on being grateful today. Thank you for your kind comments and prayers. They are appreciated and cherished.

Demoralized

beaten down
discouraged
frustrated
dejected
crestfallen


Ya know? I am pretty strong, and generally upbeat in the face of a lot of crap. But not today.
I have been wanting/needing to blog, but haven't had a moment lately. Little Man got booted out of another summer program, we had a person working with him, but she quit with no notice on Monday. That means I have had him, 24/7 for almost a week.
Know what I have done this week?
chores-0
laundry-2 loads took me all day
meals cooked-0
anything else I wanted to do?-0
(except for Saturday, we did get respite, thank goodness, it is the one shining moment in a dump truck load of manure)
The boy is foul, foul, foul. Screaming, disobedient, defiant, ugly, name calling, violent. I have gotten punched in the face, been screamed at pretty much all day, every day.
We are working with his pyschiatrist, pediatrican, a therapist, a behavior therapist, case manager, and anyone else we could pull in to get some help with what is going on with our boy. Things are bad, very, very bad.
It has been a LONG, LONG day. I was already pretty fed up and not very happy, or patient.
Cherry on a crap sundae?
Bald Man just kicked my laptop off the bedside table. Laptop no longer works. I want to run away, I want to scream and kick and swear, I want to escape all of this. And it seems when things are the worst with the boy, when I really need a break, when I am having a really hard time holding it together, is when we have no help and at this point, little hope.
Things have been rough since Feb and seriously? I don't have it in me to be brave, or cheery or anything.
Send me some love notes, I really, really need them right now.

Father's Day

(This picture was taken on the day Little Man was given to us)

I was blessed with an amazing parent. One who taught me how to use power tools, how to change the tires and oil in the car, how to be strong, even when I was scared, how to be unmoved in the face of force. My parent coached my softball team, drove me to play practice, and taught me to mow the yard. Took me camping, showed me how to burn off the mantles in the propane lamp, and start and put out fires.
I was the luckiest girl in the world, because my mom was the best "dad".
As I grew older and thought about marriage, I wanted the same kind of dad for my kids. I married a man who melts when he holds a baby, who sang endless rounds of "I've Been Working on the Railroad to colicy babies, took us all camping, and went to every single one of the kid's plays, concerts, wrestling matches, track meets, and scout things. He talks baby talk to our dog, he gives horsey rides to the grand babies, just as he did for our kids.
When our oldest got married, I told her that her fiance reminded me a great deal of her father, who everyone, including myself calls him a good man. My daughter told me she thought she was very lucky, because she thought I got the last one. Highest praises, well deserved.
I married a good man, who became a wonderful father, and has ripened into a beloved Pop Pop to his grand children.

Too Much To Say

Too much to say and not enough time or good internet connection to say it.
I am breathing that baby in, every.single.day. All frog curled on my chest, breathing in the wonderment and awe that is new baby. Never get enough of it.
Got to go to the ocean, a WARM ocean. Wow. It filled my soul in a way I have a hard time expressing.
Taking LOTS of pictures that will have to wait for a better internet to be put up. It is LUSH here, besides the beautiful baby.
Little Man is doing really decent right now and I am soooo grateful.
Practicing being totally present so I don't waste a single moment not being HERE, where I am, right now. Gotta fill up, cause it is going to have to last until Christmas.
It is so dang hot and humid here, it is like getting hit in the face with a hot wet towel when you walk outside. I had no idea. none. do now.
My sweet girl is the best mommy ever. Tigger couldn't have picked a better mom. I am so proud of her I could bust. She is having a very tough time and dang, my girl is a WARRIOR!
Peace. Love. Sweet. Precious. Here.

Better

Little Man is doing better than he was. I am less worried and so it is less difficult to be present here, where I am, right now.
I am filled with gratitude for the good people in my life. For my husband and his willingness to stick this out so I can stay here with my girl, for friends who pray and send good thoughts our way, for our respite providers who were so willing on short notice to make this all happen.
I love my boy, more than I can say, this has been SOOOO hard on me, but I am working on being zen about it and being present.
thank you. thank you.
Jo

Short

My daughter and son in law's internet sucks. I have to keep this short and I don't have any pictures, cause they take too long to upload.
Things are wonderful and terrible.
I am loving being with my sweet girl and her precious boy, and watching him smile and coo just kills me every.single.time. She is happier with me here and that makes me happy.
The terrible: Little Man is having a VERY hard time with me gone and has been scary aggressive with his respite worker. I feel so torn about needing to be here and there at the same time.
For right now, Bald man says things are okay, and to stay, so I am working on being totally present, every minute with my beloved Pygmy Child and Tigger.
Prayers and good thoughts would be greatly appreciated.

Here

I am here. Happily holding my Tigger. I will post pictures later. We were able scramble together some short term help with the assistance of JJ, while we continue to look for some help for the summer. STRESS.
But for now, Little Man is okay, Bald Man is okay, I am more than okay, as I drink in the newness and awesomeness of my new grandson.
Thank you for your support and love. It is so appreciated.

The Abyss

Crazy week and it got crazier. I have been wanting to show off my pictures and stories from the Casual Bloggers Conference, but instead, I am crawling here to share my hurt.
It is a long story, but to keep it short, Little Man is in an after school program. It is a therapeutic program for people with disabilities. They also run the summer program he attended the last three summers.
We have heard nothing but how great he is doing, with an occasional off day. How much they love him, etc.
We got called yesterday to come pick him up early, he was losing it. As we interrupted our Buttercup's first birthday party to handle this, we were told he was no longer welcome in the program.
I was told that maybe we need to put him on more meds, since whatever he is on, isn't helping with his behaviors.
I was told that 3 parents had said that their children would not be going to the summer program if Little Man attended.
I was told that they had staff complaining and threatening to quit because of my boy.
Why all of a sudden? Why hadn't they talked to us? I can't believe it is happening, particularly on the brink of my leaving!
Last night I was angry, confused, hurt and ultimately just plain heartbroken.
I feel like I am standing on the edge of an abyss. Is this the beginning of the end? Is he going to become so violent and out of control that we can't take care of him? How am I supposed to deal with this?
First I scrambled to find something for him for while I am gone, so Bald Man can work, and then I cried and cried.
I woke up this morning, and the grief hit me first, then the realization of what we are facing.
I asked my husband if he was emotionally hungover and he said when he woke up, he wondered why he felt so sad. It feels like someone had died. We are mourning. Not bodily death, but death of hope and dreams.
I love this boy, more than I can tell you. He is my miracle child, he is my heart, and yet, the pain is lingering underneath a huge question mark for the future.

P.S. Legally we have 30 days where they have to take him. I don't know about you, but I can not send my vulnerable child, who can not defend himself, to where he might be mistreated. Not physically, but if they were to be unkind and impatient with him, it would be harmful to him. We have made some short terms arrangements, and his Waiver Case Manager is helping us look for something else.

Squeee!!!

The Casual Blogger Conference is here! If you are there, please find me and say hi. What an awesome weekend. It is kind of pitiful, you would think that I was going to Paris for a week. I was trying to figure out the last time I really had a day for some fun, um... that was like AUGUST! So fun, here I come.
Wish me luck on the panels, I hope I don't make a fool of myself.
Are you going?

Rage Against the "Man"

This morning, I am taking my daily medications. Which to my sorrow have multiplied beyond a vitamin and my anti depressant in the morning. I realized as I was swallowing down my pills, (with much gratitude every day. I might not like taking medication, but it is way better than being almost dead!) that my Bald Man and I are on the same hypertensive meds. (high blood pressure). I do not know why my high blood pressure was not a "silent killer" like my husband's, but mine was going to kill me very loudly.
After I swallowed my pills, I looked at him and said, "how did they diagnose your hbp?" He said that he had gone in once and they said it was high and they put him on medication right away.
Here is the list of my questions that followed:

They didn't make you come in over and over to "prove" you had hbp?
No
They didn't make you keep a log for two weeks of daily blood pressure to "prove" it wasn't white coat hypertension?
No
They didn't tell you it was in your head?
No
They didn't tell you to talk to a therapist about it, because you might be having panic attacks and didn't know it?
No
They didn't tell you that you have a stressful life and you need to reduce your stress?
No
They didn't tell you to go practice breathing and meditation for it?
No.

Well that is certainly what I was told! And now I am MAD! By the way, we see the same doctor. As for the stressful life, ahem, we have the same frick'n life!
A plate of misogyny with a side order of patriarchy. Blech.

Mountain Monday

I am feeling so much better! We finally have my blood pressure under control and I feel pretty darn good.
I am leaving the beginning of June for Florida and my new grandson. I can hardly wait. It has been really tough on me to be so far away when my daughter needed me. I felt like a mama cat, with her baby stuck in a storm drain, meowing for help. I wanted to get to her but couldn't. I spent a lot of time praying.

I can't wait to kiss this face! Tigger!


Spring in Utah. It has been a cold and rainy/snowy Spring this year. But in spite of the weather, there continue to be signs that Spring is really here.

Baby sheepies!




Just to remind us Winter is not quite gone, snow, but pretty clouds!



You can see the green of Spring creeping up the mountain, pushing Winter away until next year.


Lilacs!




One of Ms. Tenacious' younger siblings...









The last soccer game of the Spring season




Beautiful granddaughters blooming!
Can you believe it? When I started this blog, I had one grandchild. Now I have five!



Thanks for hanging in there thru the paucity of posts. I am hoping I am back on my blogging horse!

And don't forget!


Hope to see you there!

No Mountain Monday

Sorry peeps, I am just not up for it today.
I do have a new picture of Tigger though!







I really must brag about how proud I am of my daughter and son in law. Tigger was a tough little guy to get nursing, and I am so proud of his parents for hanging in there, calling in knowledgeable troops to help them and just for being so, well, I guess, tenacious! It can be a wonderful gift when the going gets tough. I couldn't ask for a more supportive daddy and husband for my daughter and grandson.

Blah, now onto to the not so great. As much I would love to not talk about it, my health continues to be a big issue, no matter how much I want to ignore it.
I have developed high blood pressure and a high heart rate, for what reason, no one knows. Now, the American Heart Association calls hypertension, "the silent killer"
They LIE! Lying liar mcliar pants! My high blood pressure is loud and noisy and not the least bit quiet. I am capable of telling where my blood pressure is, by how I am feeling. The higher it gets, the worse I feel. Tired is the big one. I also get really shaky. The higher it is, the shakier I get. To the point where I can't hold a book, sew, or even be on the computer. I HATE it. I was feeling so much better just a couple weeks ago and this set back has been tough on me emotionally. I keep saying, "I just want to feel better!"
One of the hardest things about this is I never know how I am going to feel, from day to day or even hour to hour. Some days I wake up feeling great, other days, like today, I just turn around after Little Man is gone to school and go back to bed.
I am learning to take advantage of when I am feeling good. There is one problem with this. Since I don't feel good all the time, or even half the time, I do not have enough time to do everything I want/should do. I have to plan my "good time" very carefully, giving myself enough room on each end of an activity to recover. I can push myself when I am not feeling really well, but I will pay for it, in a big way later. I am tired of being tired, tired of not feeling good. Tired of being sick, it feels like months and months of my life have been taken away from me. As, I guess they have.
I am overall okay, not depressed, but it is a struggle sometimes to maintain a positive outlook. For now, hope that I will feel better at some point keeps me going. Now and then a little voice says, "what if this is the new normal?", I can't bear to think that, so I put duct tape on that little voice's mouth.
My husband has been a hero through all this. He is patient with my inability to do things on some days and he is always asking me how I am feeling. I try to give him a heads up if I am feeling good when he leaves for work and later take a slide. I don't want him thinking dinner will be waiting, when I can barely get out of bed. He so far has been a saint and utterly patient with my physical weakness.
It is so weird, after so many years of being able to push myself through sleepless nights, being sick, whatever, to not be able to do it anymore. I am not enjoying this current part of my life, but at the same time, when I have things to do that I enjoy, like playing with my grand babies, I put my whole self into it, laughing and enjoying the moment. In spite of not feeling well all the time, one thing I realize is that the moments are all we have. A hug, a kiss, a tickle, laughter, each should be cherished in its fullness at the very moment it happens.
Slow down, before you get pushed down like moi, and really, really, enjoy the good moments as much as you can. Life AND health can be fleeting.

He's Here!

My first grandson Tigger arrived yesterday morning. Pygmy Child was a warrior with a very long, difficult labor and I am so proud of her for not quitting. She got the home birth she wanted and a healthy baby boy. He weighs 7lbs, 7oz and is 19 1/2 inches long. He also had a 14 inch head! Now for the non midwifey types, that is a BIG head for a 7lb baby. It is more like a nine pound baby head. And Pygmy Child, in spite of her short stature (4ft7in) has her mama's more than adequate pelvis.
I cried some last night, feeling so left out with not being there, but got over my self pity pretty quickly. June will be here soon enough, with plenty of days to love on my Tigger and daughter.
I just want to tell everyone how proud I am of her, for being so brave, so stubborn, for believing in her body and the birthing process. I have no doubt whatsoever if she had had a hospital birth she would have had a c sec. (Which, when used as they are supposed to, as a life saving measure, are a blessing) In turn, it makes me so grateful that I was able to pass on my beliefs in childbirth and the wholeness of women to my daughters.
Our family has changed as we add a new one to our fold. We feel so blessed. Welcome home Tigger, I know the angels celebrated your birth too.

Mountain Monday

If you wanted to go but found out the conference was sold out, you are in luck! There are 75 more tickets on sale, so run and get yourself one!
_______________________________________________________

Who knows? Maybe I am finding my blogging mojo again? It snowed last week a couple of inches and it is going to snow again on Weds, but we are not going to speak of that bit of ugliness. It is Spring, I insist, no matter what evidence there is to the contrary. There are far more signs of Spring than there are of lingering Winter, so pay the death throes of Winter no attention whatsoever.










There is Mr. Winter, saying "nanny, nanny" from the top of the mountains...




I have a thing about roads and landscapes. Something about them calls to my soul and I love them in every season.



I had starting taking a couple of adult ed photography classes in Feb. I, uh, never got to finish for some strange reason. So I took the last half of the classes recently. I enjoyed both of them, but the portrait class was my favorite. Here are a couple of my favorites from the class.

A fake "senior" portrait



A family picture.



Updates: Pygmy Child is still pregnant with Tigger, I remember vividly being overdue and my heart is with her at the end of her pregnancy. I continue to focus on going to be with her and my grandson in June, rather than the other. There is too much to be grateful for instead of mourning for what is lost.

My health. blah. and blech. After a lifetime of very low blood pressure, my blood pressure and heart rate have decided to take a sharp rise lately. I have been to the dr and the ER with no real answers. At this point, I just want to feel better. I was doing so much better a couple of weeks ago than I am now. My high blood pressure makes me tired and headachy. This Thursday I am getting fitted with a holter monitor to see if I am having any heart irregularities. Honestly, I just want to feel better and I have no idea what is going on, except I know when I don't feel well. BUT, I am still feeling WAY better than I was a couple of months ago, almost anything is an improvement from almost dead!
Thanks for dropping by, you know I love you all and I appreciate sticking with me through my lean season recently.

Check Me Out!

Not only am I attending the Casual Bloggers Conference

I am speaking!
TWICE!


You may check out my bio and gulp! picture of me at this link: Casual Blogger Speakers
I will wait while you go look, scroll down to the "J's" for Jo of course.

I looked at that picture and my first thought was, "Holy heck, I look Chinese!"
Living my entire life being something besides Caucasian, and living most of my life outside of Utah, I have accepted the fact I don't look white and that I look like "something else". The guesses have included, Hispanic, Asian, and Hawaiian, unless I am home on the reservation my family is from, in which case, they get the tribe right and even my family! Most impressive.

You must now watch this hilarious commercial. I insist. It is important.








Guess what? I have my new identity for living in Utah! I am racially ambiguous! Finally, a place for me. I am so happy!
And you know what else? I do have beautiful hair!

Mountain Monday

In case you hadn't heard, this is what Utah looked like 13 days ago, on April 6th. We got 8 inches of snow that day, much to all our horror.









It looks like that was Mother Natures last attempt to keep winter around, thank goodness!

Here is what my corner of the world looks like today.




It is hard to see unless you click on the picture and see it larger. But the green of Spring is creeping up the flanks of the mountains, chasing away Winter, while the rest of us cheer in delight.




Here the new leaves on the wild roses begin to unfold, while the winter's rose hips wither away.











I am not sure if you can tell, but Ms. Tenacious is gone. I like to think she decided that it was time to move on to another part of life, death is just a part of it, and letting go, a birth, not a tragedy.

We must be willing to let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the life that is waiting for us.” – Joseph Campbell



Another sign that Spring is here, baby animals!



I am not sure what these thistles are really, but we call them porcupine eggs.







Soccer season is here! There are few things I love more than watching my Little Man play soccer. He really enjoys it and I love cheering for him and the rest of his team.



Thank you for letting me share my corner of the world with you. Seeing Spring through your eyes makes it all brand new.