Heart Sick

Two things happened yesterday and today that have made me heartsick. Both of them involve our Little Man.
Yesterday night, Little Man fell asleep in our bed, Bald Man was sitting on the bed watching TV and waiting for a commercial so he could put Little Man in his own bed. Little Man kinda sat up, had a seizure and then fell out of bed. He hit the nightstand on his way down and gashed his mouth open. Nice, great. He was so out of it from the seizure he didn't even wake up as I tended to his mouth wound. I really hate this. He is on four different meds and has a VNS (vagal nerve stimulator) to help with his seizures but we still deal with them pretty much on a daily basis. I guess I feel helpless about the whole thing, and that somehow I didn't do my mommy job right, to protect him from getting hurt.
The gut punch today involves Little Man's favorite babysitter. This is a young man we have known for years, and Little Man just loves him. Basically we pay this kid money to come over and play video games with Little Man. Doesn't matter to us, we just need to know that Little Man is safe and happy.
Oh... that one hurt, safe. What rotten parents we have turned out to be. The baby sitter's mother came over tonight to tell us that her son was in jail due to child pornography. I was just sick when she told me. I did ask her straight out if it involved little boys. She insisted that it was "only" teenage girls.
But how do we know? All we know is what she told us. Asking Little Man about it is a bit problematic, because his verbal skills are not good. We have not been really able to teach him personal safety, because he just doesn't get it. How do I know this young man hasn't molested my son?
I suppose I need to call someone in the court/legal system tomorrow and find out how we go about finding out if our son was in danger. The babysitter never looked at anything on our computer as far as I know, because I sometimes check the history and there has never been anything on there, just the stuff Bald Man and I have looked at. I hate this. I really hate it, mostly because I don't know what to do. I can't ask my son, because he can't tell me. If we somehow find out that the child porn involves little boys, what do we do? Take Little Man in for counseling? Not sure how that work, since you can't really hold a conversation with the child. I hate that I didn't know, didn't protect my son, hate that helpless feeling, of not knowing exactly what do to. Why didn't we know? There weren't any neon lights pointing to the kid's head, saying, watch out this kid likes child porn! No signs, nothing. I feel so horrid about this whole thing. I just feel heart sick.