Wednesday, November 07, 2007

Not Doing So Good

Tears are trembling behind my eyes as I continue to think about the state of Little Man. My son is malnourished. He is not thriving. On our most primal level as mothers, we have a need to feed our children so they can live. It isn't so much I feel like I've failed, just so very sad I couldn't do it. I am beyond grateful we live where we do, that Little Man has fabulous insurance,(I wish to heck the rest of us did) and we are so blessed to be able to do something about this. If we lived in another place and time, my sweet boy would not have lived this long.
I was talking to my mom on the phone today and told her I have another sorrow hung behind my breastbone. Like medals, they are an accounting of my sorrows as a mother. There is one for my boy never going on a mission, one for not being able to ride a two wheeler w/o training wheels, one for the way he walks, one for the loss of his birthmother and the life that should have been. Sometimes I don't even notice they are there and other days, I can feel each one, piercing my heart with their sharp, sorrowful edges. Today is one of those days. There will never be a day where I will watch my son move with the easy grace of even my two year old grand daughter. Yesterday I asked my sweet Pea for a run down of the animals we saw at the zoo, and noted with sadness I would never hear the same words pour from my boy's mouth.
Most of the time I am so very grateful for the precious gifts he gives us, very different from the ones my other children gave me, but sometimes, sometimes, I can't help but feel the loss of all the others.

6 Kids Who Want To Play:

Yondalla said...

((HUGS))

I wish I could do or say more. But know that I am here, listening.

Azul said...

Jo, I read this on bloglines and had to pop over to say I'm so sorry things aren't going well.

Your love for Little Man is so very evident in everything you write. I know just what you mean about the pain you carry with you every day. It's the loss of dreams that everyone else takes for granted and always wondering what your child 'might have been'. Even though we love them just as they are, the wondering's always there.

There are no platitudes I could write here to make it better. So I'll just say you'll be in my thoughts.

Sue said...

"There are no platitudes I could write here to make it better. So I'll just say you'll be in my thoughts."

Yes. I sat here yesterday and today trying to think of something to say that wouldn't just sound - horribly empty and stale and wrong and failed miserably. I'm so sorry. I can't even imagine what it must feel like. I hope you are o.k., both of you. {{hugs}}

Gawdess said...

I wish we could shoulder these burdens together in a more tangible way...thinking of you, hearing you.

K J and the kids said...

Just like all of the other medals you have hanging inside of your chest. You didn't earn any of them. You are a great mother who has loved and been the most attentive you could be.

I hope your pain eases.

FosterAbba said...

I'm sorry.